We Can All Benefit From A Little Good Advice
Bad News Hughes offers some advice to children:
- Head wounds do tend to bleed a lot. Don’t panic.
- Pajamas are indeed comfy, but society dictates we not wear them to school, work or the bowling alley. (Note: I take umbrage to this. Pajamas should be socially accepted everywhere. ESPECIALLY when coupled with a snazzy robe and/or comfy slippers.)
- Try not to get too depressed. There’s always something to look forward to. Keep alert, and sooner or later you’ll see someone slip and hurt themselves.
- The cops never think it’s as funny as you do.
- Powdered cocoa won’t put out the fire.
Check out the rest of his excellent homespun advice here.
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And Many Moooore!
A big HAPPY BIRTHDAY shout-out to Sarcas-sis.
Happy Birthday, Deb!
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Friday Diversions
- Museum of Online Museums: It pays to have friends studying Library Science. YrPoppyBean introduced me to MoOm, a real gem of a site. This compendium of online museums can introduce you to many exciting collections, including: Ephemra Now, The Gallery of Monster Toys, and The Nerd Watch Museum, to name just a few. Be careful of this Friday distraction. This site can easily suck you in.
- The Crow Flies at Midnight: The Cryptographever allows users to search for messages cleverly hidden in even the most innocuous of websites. Just to check if Evil Underground Governmental Organizations were using my brain to transfer top secret messages to their operatives, I ran the text for Shake Well Before Opening through the Cryptographever, and was shocked to discover the following message: "The book is red." The mind reels. What could it mean? Is it chance, or am I actually an operative for a communist spy ring? discovered on Optical Poptitude
- Color Me Creeped Out: Worth1000 takes on nightmares
- Two Steps to the King: Akin to the infamous Kevin Bacon game, The Oracle of Elvis links performers to Elvis. So far, I haven't found anyone more than 2 steps from Elvis...and I thought I had some stumpers: Eddie Izzard, Teller, Joseph Cotten and Ice-T. Guess we're all pretty close to the King.
- I May Not Know What's On MTV: But I know my music. Do you? Take the quiz - by way of Idle Type
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Banjooooooooooo!
Can Space Ghost make the leap from retro-cool, goofy, pop icon cum late night show host to gritty, tortured comic book hero? DC Comics seems to think so.
For those of you who are worried: Jace and Jan are part of this story...but no word yet on beloved Blip.
Man, why do they gotta play the monkey like that?
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Jumpin' on the Bandwagon
Yes, it's true, I've signed up for Orkut, yet another social-networking service. Orkut, (like Friendster and Tribe before it) allows users to "meet" friends of friends, and friends of friends of friends of friends, with the aims of expanding their social circle, discovering new interests, and making all-important professional contacts. There are even several options for those who have geek-based romance in mind.
Sadly, there is an inherent flaw in this system; although it allows users to track a (theorhertically) ever-growing list of friends, it does not allow users to categorize people as "enemies." Although it's all well and good to know what bands your college roommate's next-door-neighbor's sister is into, it is infinitely more useful to know who your enemies are making time with, what organizations they belong to, what books they like, and whether or not they joined the "Stop Sarcasmo from Taking Over the World" community forums.
This would also allow you to find your enemy's enemies in order to form your own superpowerful alliances. You could plan to take over the world in the forums, agree to hash out specifics of the Evil Plan #427 over tea at the latest meet-up, and discuss which wicked hotties are currently on your villanious Hot List.
If you are an Orkut member would like to be added as a friend, please let me know. If you are a member that should be added as an enemy...well, let me know anyway. I'll categorize you that way in my PDA until Orkut gets with the program.
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Shades of Magrathea
Oh..eww.
A dead, giant sperm whale (17 meters, 50 tons) spontaneously exploded while being transported through Tainan City on its way to being autopsied.
Just...eww.
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Shake Well Before Opening
Horror writer Michael A. Arnzen has a e-newsletter, GORELETS, to which I gleefully subscribe. Nestled faithfully among the grisly content, is Instigations, in which Arnzen offers "Twisted Prompts for Sicko Writers."
It's as though he knows me personally.
Inspired by this prompt:
+ Write about the surprisingly dire consequences of not following a common warning (mattress tag? street sign? washing label? it's up to you!),I offer you Shake Well Before Opening:
Shake Well Before Opening
by Star C. Foster
Artificial color sustains it as it watches the world through a candy-colored haze, its glass prison distorting everything outside the glass. The label lists its secretions as “artificial flavors.” It is waiting for the seal to be broken, so it can move in. Its life is short. A day, sometimes two. A week at the most. Tiny colonies living and dying in your brain every day.
They don’t eat; they mostly slumber. But when your senses are bombarded by advertising they recognize, they vibrate with excitement. You find yourself inexplicably wanting to buy.
Usually the merging is easy, unobtrusive. The violent rocking motion disables its motor skills, wrapping enforced sleep around its consciousness like armor. Once it enters your system, liquid mixing with your heat and saliva, it is stimulated from slumber. It slips in, unnoticed even by your ever alert white blood cells, the antibody army. Its spirit soars as it enters your blood stream, borne along to your brain by every determined beat of your heart. As it digs into your cerebral cortex to nest it tickles your pleasure center; you had forgotten sugar water could taste so unbearably good. It whispers to your awareness, “Consume.”
But today, you forget to shake the bottle. The creature enters your body fully aware. This is rare, and for the creature, frightening. Its tendrils shoot out in defiance; it’s cold scream reverberating along your nerves. The pain shoots sharp and violent to your frontal lobe. You grit your teeth and press your palm to your forehead. “Ice cream headache,” you mutter. The glass bottle sweats in your hand as you wait for the pain to clear. The creature is floundering, trying to take hold of something, anything. It is weakened by panic. Confused by fear. Instead of purchase into the bloodstream it finds only a swift and painful death; scarred and screaming in acid. This is so brutal that your stomach registers its complaint. As you clutch at your stomach, you realize your mouth tastes flat, and sour. You put the bottle down on the counter, unfinished. Why did you think you liked this drink, anyway?
The sunlight pours bright and clean into your friendly kitchen, blissfully uncaring that some small part of you has been torn away. You feel strangely empty, unsatisfied. You open the refrigerator, and stand staring blankly at the contents. Nothing you have looks good anymore. Your taste buds reject even the thought of food; convincing you it will all taste of air and ash. The cold, hard light of the fridge interior suddenly seems like the only thing you can trust.
What happened to the simple pleasures you loved? Have you grown so cynical now that a glass of cold lemonade on a hot summer’s day no longer pleases you? Every broken dream you had in your life clouds your eyes. You see nothing but disappointment everywhere you look. Your mirror reflects only failure. You can neither sit still nor find the will to speak or move or do.
In the pit of your chest the acid churns, flares upward. It burns dull in your chest like heartache.
Hours later you will find yourself at the local mall; credit card smoldering. You vaguely remember grasping for the first few things: a the re-release of a classic toy you never owned, a t-shirt covered with long-forgotten cartoon heroes, a beat-up guitar so you can finally learn how to play. Something stirred in you when you saw them, like a great beast turning in its sleep. Yet, even now the initial surge of joy you felt during purchase slips away from you. Like a sleepwalker you are amazed to discover yourself standing in the food court with so many bags at your feet; each one overflowing with evidence of a virulent nostalgia, overpriced reminders of your innocence and youth.
And you are thirsty.
Be sure to check out Gorelets. And may you be disturbed and inspired enough to write something of your own.
Special thanks for Pop Culture Boy for reminding me about the basic rules of grammar, and in seeing more potential in my writing than I ever could.
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Everything I Needed to Know About Lunch I Learned from the President
When the questions get too hard, order ribs.
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Sidewalk Art
3D Sidewalk Art that must be seen to be believed.
Thanks to SarcasMom for sending these my way
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"You got to put this bird on the camera."
Meet N'kisi, the parrot with a formitable vocabularyand who, upon meeting Dr. Jane Goodall quipped, "Got a chimp?"
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A Little Fantasy In a Jar
I don't care if it's fake. This baby dragon is cute and I wants it.
Via Bloggerheads
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Darn Those Europeans
If they find an ocean first, Americans will never get their Free Giant
I mean, pursuit of science is great and all..but free giant
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Hoping for 10 Feet of Snow To Cancel Monday
but since that isn't likely to happen, I'm posting some distractions instead:
- Monday Morning Quiz: Take it here
- I'm Too Impatient to Relax: Thank goodness for Zen Potato. Now I can have the Zen without the wait. - Via Fiendish is the Word
- IKEA? I LOVE That Game: Matthew of Defective Yeti has a great piece over at the Morning News, sure to be loved by IKEA enthusiasts and gamers alike: The IKEA Strategy Guide.
- I Saw The Dull Yellow Eye of the Creature Open: Apparently there is a television series in development based on Frankenstein. If the story is to be belived, Dr. Frankenstein and the Creature have lived 200 years, and are living in Seattle. The Creature, an anti-hero if I ever saw one, may eventually join up with two local, female cops to battle Dr. Frankenstein and his cadre of new creatures. PLEASE, TV people. This is a worse idea than Cop Rock.
- I'm Not Appropriate for British Childen:
My life has been rated: 
See what your rating is!
Does anyone know if there is some kind of ceremonial snow dance I can do?
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I've Got Blisters On My Fingers!
Today's Friday fun links are, for no good reason, Beatles themed:
- Can't Buy Me Love (But I Can Buy Me Shoes): From their nights at the Cavern to their days with the Yogi, the Beatles have had some happening shoes. And now you can too. - Discovered on Boynton.
- Why Don't We Do It In the Road: Abbey Road Inspired Photos. - Found on J-Walk Blog.
- She Came In Through The Bathroom Window: Meet Lisa. She is 15 years old, and keeping a B.LOG (Beatles Log) all about her favorite band, The Beatles. Just yesterday she got tickets to see them on Ed Sullivan. - Thanks to J-Walk Blog for discovering this first.
- I Forgot To Remember To Forget: Beatles Memory Game
- Too Much Monkey Business:The Straight Dope about the Fab Four.
- This Boy: Eric Conveys an Emotion. Nothing to do with the Beatles, but enjoyable all the same. Discovered on Work in Progress.
I am pleased to add that Get Back came on the radio while I was composing this post.
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Songs Say So Much
Lifted this little game from Leaking Pure White Noise. Answer the following questions using the song titles from only one band.
I admit I cheated a little bit. I chose Neil Finn, and used both his solo albums and the work her did with Crowded House:
- Are you Male or Female?
Not The Girl You Think You Are - How do you feel about yourself?
Sister Madly, Secret God - How do some people feel about you?
She Goes On - Describe your interests.
Chocolate Cake, Into Temptation - Describe your ex.
Mean to Me, I Walk Away - Describe your current/future significant other.
That's What I Call Love - Describe where you want to be.
Private Universe - Describe what you want to be.
Never Be the Same - Describe how you live.
Four Seasons in One Day - Describe how you love.
Elastic Heart, I Feel Possessed, Whispers and Moans - Share a few words of wisdom.
Love This Life, Don't Dream It's Over, Everything is Good for You
I'd love to see your answers, too.
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First Sir Mick, and Now This
I firmly believed that Punk (the art form, the statement, the music, the rebellion) died many years ago. Sure, there are still those who cling to the anti-social, non-commercial, disenfranchised, fiercely individualistic hedonistic lifestyle, and those folks know a few basic facts:
- Punk Rock artists do not create singles for radio play
- Punk Rock albums do not come with a glossy insert
- Punk rock does not show up in heavy rotation on MTV
However, said Punk Rockers are slowly but surely being replaced by Prog Rockers, Emo Kids, as well as some earnest, bright-eyed youngsters who think a Hot Topic/Manic Panic makeover is all they need to be a Punk Rocker*, and that Avril Lavigne and Blink-182** are hardcore.
Don't be too hard on them...they're only buying what's being sold. Punk is packaged now. It's commodity. It's capitalism. It has sold out.
Punk has invalidated itself.
To those of you still hanging on to the Punk Rock ideal, hoping for a resurrection, I regret to inform you that it is time to stop waiting for the stone to be rolled away from that cave. The final nail in Punk's coffin has just been forcefully driven by former Sex Pistol frontman and dental disaster himself, Mr. Johnny "Rotten" Lydon. How, you may ask? Well, Mr. Lydon will be appearing on syndicated television.
Reality Television.
Specifically, Lydon will be a contestant on I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here.
That's right. Johnny Rotten. In the jungle. With other (ahem) B-List celebrities.
Hideous.
Lydon, knowing fans will see this as a sell-out defends himself on The Filth and The Fury:
"You know every damn arsehole punk is gonna go >Ooh that’s not what punk is about> Yes it is! This is true anarchy! Setting myself up on rubbish like this..."
True anarchy? Do you think he's even fooling himself? Do you think he even cares?
I liked the Sex Pistols. Heck, I was even a PIL fan for a time. But I can't say I was ever particularly a fan of Johnny Rotten's***.
Even still...I hate to see an icon fall.
*No, you evil hipsters. You can be ironically punk rock. Don't. Even. Think. About. It.
**For the record, I quite like Blink-182. I just consider them more college party pop than punk rock. Also, that Mark Hoppus sure is a cutie.
***On a vaguely related note, Pop Culture Boy was once interviewed by Lydon on the now defunct eYada (I believe it was related to Ogg Vorbis and Internet File sharing). The interview was done live, online, via the phone. I had to keep leaving the room during the interview because I couldn't stop laughing. Lydon's speaking voice is just pinched enough to evoke images of the worm from Labyrinth.
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Worth Two in a Bush
Now this is one cool bird.
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Granted, I'm No Mel Blanc
It's official: I've been offered two voice roles as a result of the recent voice audition..one of which is the female comic role I read with.
Although grounded by the knowledge that very few females auditoned, I'm still pretty well chuffed. I am going to be in a video game. And one of my characters has her own musical theme.
*Sarcasmo does a little dance.*
I won't say too much about the characters as I understand the writers are very protective of the story, but I will tell you that they are very different, and I think both roles will be funny and fun to play. And by strange coincidence both characters have serious sister issues.
I will try not to read too much into that.
Additionally, Pop Culture Boy and Peccable were offered a small handful of parts a piece.
Saturday morning cartoons, here we come.
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Try As I Might, I Can't Turn Down a Book Meme
I found the following on Go Fish:
I'm not sure where the list originated, but being the bibliophile I am, I couldn't pass it up.
Items in bold are books I have read. In addition, I've added some personal notes at the end.
1984, George Orwell1
The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho
Alice's Adventures In Wonderland, Lewis Carroll
Animal Farm, George Orwell
Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy
Anne Of Green Gables, LM Montgomery2
Artemis Fowl, Eoin Colfer
The BFG, Roald Dahl
Birdsong, Sebastian Faulks
Black Beauty, Anna Sewell
Bleak House, Charles Dickens
Brave New World, Aldous Huxley3
Brideshead Revisited, Evelyn Waugh
Bridget Jones's Diary, Helen Fielding
Captain Corelli's Mandolin, Louis de Bernieres
Catch 22, Joseph Heller
The Catcher In The Rye, JD Salinger
Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, Roald Dahl
A Christmas Carol, Charles Dickens4
The Clan Of The Cave Bear, Jean M Auel
Cold Comfort Farm, Stella Gibbons5
The Colour Of Magic, Terry Pratchett6
The Count Of Monte Cristo, Alexandre Dumas7
Crime And Punishment, Fyodor Dostoevsky
David Copperfield, Charles Dickens8
Double Act, Jacqueline Wilson
Dune, Frank Herbert
Emma, Jane Austen
Far From The Madding Crowd, Thomas Hardy9
Girls In Love, Jacqueline Wilson
The God Of Small Things, Arundhati Roy
The Godfather, Mario Puzo
Gone With The Wind, Margaret Mitchell10
Good Omens, Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman
Goodnight Mister Tom, Michelle Magorian
Gormenghast, Mervyn Peake11
The Grapes Of Wrath, John Steinbeck12
Great Expectations, Charles Dickens
The Great Gatsby, F Scott Fitzgerald
Guards! Guards!, Terry Pratchett
Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets, JK Rowling
Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire, JK Rowling
Harry Potter And The Philosopher's Stone, JK Rowling13
Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban, JK Rowling
His Dark Materials trilogy, Philip Pullman
The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, Douglas Adams
The Hobbit, JRR Tolkien
Holes, Louis Sachar
I Capture The Castle, Dodie Smith
Jane Eyre Charlotte Bronte
Kane And Abel, Jeffrey Archer
Katherine, Anya Seton
The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe, CS Lewis
Little Women, Louisa May Alcott
Lord Of The Flies, William Golding
The Lord Of The Rings, JRR Tolkien
Love In The Time Of Cholera, Gabriel Garcia Marquez14
The Magic Faraway Tree, Enid Blighton
Magician, Raymond E Feist
The Magus, John Fowles
Matilda, Roald Dahl
Memoirs Of A Geisha, Arthur Golden
Middlemarch, George Eliot
Midnight's Children, Salman Rushdie
Mort, Terry Pratchett15
Night Watch, Terry Pratchett16
Noughts And Crosses, Malorie Blackman
Of Mice And Men, John Steinbeck17
On The Road, Jack Kerouac18
One Hundred Years Of Solitude, Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Perfume, Patrick Suskind
Persuasion, Jane Austen
The Pillars Of The Earth, Ken Follett
A Prayer For Owen Meany, John Irving19
Pride And Prejudice, Jane Austen
The Princess Diaries, Meg Cabot
The Ragged Trousered Philantrhopists, Robert Tressell
Rebecca, Daphne Du Maurier
The Secret Garden, Frances Hodgson Burnett
The Secret History, Donna Tartt
The Shell Seekers, Rosamunde Pilcher
The Stand, Stephen King20
The Story Of Tracy Beaker, Jacqueline Wilson
A Suitable Boy, Vikram Seth
Swallows And Amazons, Arthur Ransome
A Tale Of Two Cities, Charles Dickens21
Tess Of The D'Urbervilles, Thomas Hardy22
The Thorn Birds, Colleen McCollough
To Kill A Mockingbird, Harper Lee
A Town Like Alice, Nevil Shute
Treasure Island, Robert Louis Stevenson
The Twits, Roald Dahl
Ulysses, James Joyce
Vicky Angel, Jacqueline Wilson
War And Peace, Leo Tolstoy
Watership Down, Richard Adams23
The Wind In The Willows, Kenneth Grahame
Winnie-the-Pooh, AA Milne
The Woman In White, Wilkie Collins24
Wuthering Heights, Emily Bronte25
- I had attempted to read this in 1984, but being only 11 years of age, I had difficulty grasping the subtleties. Despite growing up to be an English Lit major (that's right...I essentially majored in
reading...what of it?), I never read any Orwell for school. When I did finally read 1984 at age 22 (at Pop Culture Boy's urging), I sat and read it on a sunny day in Rittenhouse Square. Nothing like a little Victory Gin to darken even the brightest of summer's days. - Of course, I've seen the TV movies dozens of times..and I actually recently acquired the whole series of books. I really should get around to reading them one of these days.
- Sadly, Brave New World is inextricably linked in my mind with vomiting. We were reading it for my high school lit class the first time I gave blood. I had a very bad reaction to the blood-giving process, which included my passing out in the hall and being sick all over myself. I went home from school early and slept for the next 15 hours, all the while Brave New World inspired nightmares, in which helicopters featured heavily. I've not read it since.
- I actually read this in a small paperback version I got in a Happy Meal from McDonald's. Remember when companies used to give books out as promotional items instead of toys (for example, I had a whole set of bound children's classics we got from sending proofs of purchase into Folgers)? It saddens me that they don't do that anymore.
- This reminds me...I purchased this book right before we moved last summer. I need to dig it out and read
it. I'm a big fan of the movie version, and recommend it to anyone who likes Jane Austen. - Truth be told, it's likely that I have read The Color of Magic. I've read a great deal of Pratchett...I "graduated" to him when I got tired of Piers Anthony but still wanted to enjoy some punny fantasy now and again. I have some difficulty remembering which of his books are which.
- Best revenge fantasy ever.
- This is my favorite Dickens of all time. As a result, I spent about six months determined that if I had a son I would name him Trotwood. (This fact may have, in no small part, inspired PCB to seek permanent measures to ensure our childless-status). I still have hopes of growing up to be like Aunt Betsy.
- Although I have not read Far from the Maddening Crowd, I have read Hardy's Tess of the d'Urbervilles, a book whose existence PCB has been mysteriously denying for the past ten years.
- I read this book in college. Actually, read is a poor word. I devoured it. Once I started it, I was unable to put it down. I read it every free second. I eschewed television, and basic human interaction (in fact, I missed OJ's infamous Bronco car chase, learning about it a week later from my roommate who had watched it on TV while she had been in Germany). At night I dreamt I lived in Atlanta and was friends with the twins. And I adored Scarlett. She was feisty and strong and determined. I felt like I was reading an insightful tract on female empowerment...which is why the ending disappointed and angered me. Alas...Mitchell teaches us that an independent, strong-willed woman will never keep her man. I have never seen the movie version.
- I actually own Gormenghast. I purchased it after watching the mini-series. I really want to read it, as the story is interesting, and what I can tell so far it is full of disturbingly beautiful imagery...but I've had difficulty getting into it. It can be trying to read an entire series where the main character remains an infant throughout.
- I skipped all the turtle bits when I read this book. Talk about beating a metaphor to death.
- Read both The Philosopher's Stone and The Sorcerer's Stone.
- Just recently picked this up. Is currently in my pile of books to be read.
- Pretty sure I read this Pratchett. (See #6 above)
- Definitely read this one
- This is the ONLY Steinbeck I have ever enjoyed. I can't even make it through his Acts of King Arthur and His Noble Knights, and I adore Arthurian legends.
- I was enamored with the idea of On the Road long before I read it. I grew up believing Kerouac was the embodiment of intellectual, creative, and personal freedom...the crowned prince of casual drug use and introspective self discovery. When I finally got my hot little teenage hands on On the Road I was devastated. Instead of an inspirational tale about making one's own path, I found a story about a rich kid with the time and money to travel the country at his leisure. Ah, well, as the Beat Poets go, I prefer Ferlinghetti anyway.
- My favorite book by Irving. I recommend it.
- For some reason, I insisted on reading the unexpurgated version. A warning to anyone intending to do the same: it is about 300 pages too long, and most of those pages involve people wandering in the desert.
- I've started this book more times than I can recount...but to no avail. I don't know what it is about this book that puts me off. I could never finish The Scarlet Pimpernel either. Perhaps I have an aversion to tales of the French Revolution.
- See note #9
- Much like Brave New World (see note #3), Watership Down evokes unpleasant body memories for me. I read it on the way home from a family vacation in Florida. My parents drove...Philly to Florida and back again, and I read Watership Down in the car - bringing about something very close to car sickness. I don't know why I insist on reading in moving vehicles, as it inevitably leads to a twisted stomach and a splitting headache. I think it's the fact that I can't fathom sitting still for that long without either reading or sleeping. (Someday I will master the skill of reading and sleeping simultaneously..and what a happy day that will be!)
- I consider myself a huge Wilkie Collins fan. He is the master of the gothic suspense tale...and is often credited with inventing the mystery genre. However, I have difficulty in forgiving him for convincing Charles Dickens to give Great Expectations a happy ending.
- It is no small source of English Major pride for me that I once successfully argued that Wuthering Heights is not a love story, but rather a well-crafted comment on the social caste system. Scoff if you must, but I got an A on that paper.
So many books. So little time
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*Contented Sigh*
I have had a lovely weekend. I treated myself to some much needed rest, spent time with Pop Culture Boy (both alone and with friends), and watched a childhood favorite The Last Unicorn (with special thanks to my Secret Santa, Carrie). In addition, I have spent the weekend being ridiculously spoiled by family. Pop Culture Boy's Mom took us to lunch and filled our freezer with meat...and then Sarcas-Mom and Dad treated us to The Producers and a yummy dinner.
I am a happy Sarcasmo. And hopefully well-rested enough to post with full-force this week. With that in mind, it's Monday..so let the diversion tactics begin:
- Monday Morning Quiz: It's up.
- I Knew A Guy This Happened to Once: Some interesting reads on Other People's Stories, where writers share stories they heard from someone else. I know I must have some good one's myself. I'll think on it and get back to you. - Via Metafilter
- Because Let's Face It, A Little Parental Torture Can Be Fun: This young man wants you to send stuff to his Mom. Specific stuff. Anonymously, of course. (Looks like too much fun to pass up.) - Found on J-Walk Blog
- Words, Words, Words: The American Dialect Society gives us the 2003 Words of the Year. Cliterati and zhuzh are my reigning favorites. - Another fun find from Metafilter
- Words, Words, Words, Redux: As a companion piece to above, I present you with the LSSU 2004 Banished Words List, which chronicle words that should be removed from the English Language. My favorites here are metrosexual and Punked.
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Freaky-Deaky
Try Trip Wonker.
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Dear Hollywood: Here is Our Door. Commence with the Knockin’
Pop Culture Boy and I are good at spending imaginary money. We can spend hours spending lottery winnings for drawings we never entered: plotting the location of our many Intergalactic Bases of Operations (after all, we’d need a base in which to summer, a base in which to winter, and one or two for when we need to dash off for the weekend); deciding on gifts for friends and family; earmarking funds to invest in personal projects; planning our travel schedule, outlining our staff of personal assistants, personal shoppers, personal chefs, and personal-just-about-whatever-else-we-can-imagine; and arguing vehemently about whether to take the winnings lump sum or as an annuity.
This is a surprisingly entertaining conversation to have when you are flat broke.
It should come as no shock then that the budget for our imaginary indie-flick is likely to rival that of the more popular summer blockbusters.
It started with a random conversation one wet, autumn day several years ago. PCB and I were ambling down the street; hands jammed in our pockets, shoulders hunched against the chill. I believe we were casting imaginary movies (ie, If they made a live action movie-version of Snow Crash, who would you cast as Hero Protagonist? etc). Somewhere in our illusionary casting session we elected to become Imaginary Producers, wishing we had a project in which we can cast our favorite actors and actresses. (If you are ever in earshot of PCB and I when one of us says, “He/She is so in our movie,” this is what we are talking about. There’s nothing quite like shared delusions of grandeur to cement a life-long union.) Initial talents we wanted to work with included William H. Macy, Eddie Izzard, David Bowie, Steve Buscemi, Ian McKellen, Meryl Streep, John Cusack, Heather Matazarro, Jennifer Connelly, Ed Norton, Michelle Yeoh, and David Hyde Pierce. More recent additions include: Michael Ian Black, the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy guys, Ken Watanabe, Scarlett Johansson, Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, all of the Barenaked Ladies and (if I can not exercise veto power) Rodney Dangerfield. If we every wrote the entire list down, I am convinced it would fill an entire copybook.
But what project? That was the real challenge. Where could we find the framework to showcase all this skill? What setting would enhance these luminaries? What story could inspire such fervent emotions that it would attract these top talents and convince them to work well below scale? (Even in our imaginary world we recognize that we are not made of that much money.)
On that same, wet, autumn night we were watching the Food Network. And there, between ads for Good Eats and the Bocuse D’or, we got our answer:
Go ahead, laugh if you must, but the Bake-Off is just the Everyman tale this project needs. It is, in its essence, an annual microcosm of the American Dream. People from all walks of life leave home, armed only with their spatulas and their dreams, and compete for the grand prize of $1,000,000.
$1,000,000. That’s no chump change. The competition is heated and fierce. And to ensure that it remains a true American Dream…contestants can win/place and/or show in the competition a maximum of three times before being forced to retire.
What interested us about the competition special was the character study done on five of the contestants: a housewife from the Midwest, a former dot-com maven cum unemployed New Yorker, a teenage girl, her baking father, and a high-powered executive. All baking for the prize of their lives.
We suddenly envisioned our film as a mockumentary about the bake off. It could be shot on DV, and would also follow the story of five contestants. A househusband, a bankteller, a professional bike messenger, and two-two time contest winners locked what is their potentially final battle for the $1,000,000 prize: a cashier and mother of 3 vs. the President and CEO of a multi-national organization. Why does he, the richest (and potentially most powerful) man in the world trouble himself to compete in the bakeoff?
Simple. It’s his lemon squares.
The President and CEO (David Bowie) was completing his MBA the first time he won the competition with a grad-student budget style dish using Pillsbury Pizza dough. Through a combination of study, luck, and well-timed buying and selling during the dot-com boom (and subsequent fall) he turned his initial million-dollar prize into enough to bankroll the multi-national corporation. (Flashbacks to other previous winners will show that they turned their winnings into double-wides, flashy cars, family vacations, and, magically, excessive credit card debt). High on his newfound wealth and power he entered the competition the subsequent year with a poorly planned out lemon square recipe. He took second, losing to the aforementioned cashier. To this day he claims she damaged his internal oven thermometer, giving him false readings. She has claimed publicly (and often) that he is a deranged lunatic. Their rivalry is well-known..and the talk of the contest.
What happens next is a matter of some discussion between PCB and I. Here’s my version:
The CEO’s story is inter-cut with the stories of other contestants: the bank teller having to fight for vacation time in order to go to the competition, the bike messenger meeting Puck from MTV’s The Real World as the result of his Pillsbury-related media exposure in his home town paper, and so on. The CEO’s segments become a meta-film as the young documentary makers learn that that he turned the power and wealth of his empire is dedicated to perfecting his Lemon Squares recipe and ensuring his success. He has been sinking ships to stop other contestants from getting their much needed saffron, he has high powered scientists doing extensive studies on the human taste bud. Most of California’s lemon crop is owned by his corporation, which is doing genetic experimentation to develop the ideal crop of lemons for baking. They argue about staying true to their vision as documentary makers and telling the real story, or sticking to the Pillsbury story alone.
Soon after, the film derails for a time as the documentary makers learn they have lost their funding. After 20 minutes of deep sighs, desperate phone calls made from phone-booths on the Interstate, and long stretches of one filmmaker interviewing the other as they drive their car down a largely abandoned backwater road, they find their funding and the film gets back on the rails.
At least one of the filmmakers is seen later working in a test kitchen.
The CEO’s lackey (Eddie Izzard) is ever present, and always wearing an oven mitt.
As the competition time grows closer, the CEO’s actions become more erratic. He starts wearing tissue boxes for shoes, he tries adding chocolate chips to his lemon squares, he stops sleeping. A month before the competition he fires his lackey for suggesting they simply buy-out Pillsbury and force them to give him the prize.
In the end, there is an upset. A mystery contestant defeats both the cashier and the CEO with a Chocolate/Lemon Square recipe. He is lauded for his perfect balance of sugar and saffron. And he wears one oven mitt.
Some come on Hollywood. This is an underground cult classic sleeper hit waiting to happen. Sundance, IFC enthusiasts, please feel free to call too.
After all, this bit of genius won’t pay for itself. And my lemon square recipe isn’t quite what it could be.
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Now I Understand Why People Like Cars
I didn't know they could do this. - Via Datatype
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Well What's the Fun in That?
A Japanese company is working on a device that will allow users to predetermine the content of their dreams.
If dreams are our brains' way of interpretting and dealing with the issues in our daily lives, is this really a good idea? Couldn't subverting the brain's intentions in dreaming drive the user insane?
Plus, despite the fact that (or maybe in part, because) Pop Culture Boy finds my elaborate dreams disturbing, I quite like them. I don't understand the need to control them.
If you inhibit the scope of your dreams, what are you doing to your waking life?
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A Few Distracting Goodies
from my Bloglines Saved Items folder:
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What I Learned from 28 Days Later
(Note: This post will include some spoilers. Generally I am against this practice. However, this movie is no longer in theaters, and I think most people who intended to see it will have done so by now. If you do and haven't, skip the rest of this post. Or at the very least don't whine if I've ruined things for you.)
Last night Lyn and I got together at Chez Sarcasmo and Pop Culture Boy (aka The Intergalactic Base Of Operations) to catch up, exchange holiday gifts (finally!) and generally enjoy each other's company. Lyn is, among other things, my horror movie buddy. If it's gory and on the big screen, you can expect to find her and I in the audience. So, when we saw 28 Days Later on the On Demand menu, we thought we'd check it out.
This is because, based on egregious advertising, we thought it was a horror movie. Turns out we were not alone in this assumption, as IMDB categorizes it as a Sci-Fi Horror Thriller. I would re-categorize it as a Slow-paced vaguely science based movie with the occasional zombie. This movie couldn't seem to find it's center. In fact, I would say it suffers the same identity crisis as Night of the Hunter. It starts off as one movie, ends as another, and includes an inexplicable hour long middle section that involves a pastoral romp through the countryside complete with lovely flora and adorable fauna. Because every girl knows there's nothing about the apocalypse that some wild flowers and pretty horses can't fix.
Sigh.
Maybe it's me. Maybe I've simply had my fill of Last Man on Earth-type apocalypse movies, by which I mean Last - Man - On - Earth - Except - for - Some - Feisty - Sexy - Female - With - Whom - I - Will - Have - A - Relationship - As - We - Battle - Mutant - Humans - Zombies - Who - Are - A - Result - Of - A - Viral - Infection movies. Both The Last Man on Earth and The Omega Man tried this story without success. So why, why did they try and do it again? I'm particularly disappointed because I'm a fan of the dark, quirky films of Danny Boyle (Trainspotting, A Life Less Ordinary, Shallow Grave). Perhaps it was merely the obstensible absence of cutie Ewan McGregor, but if I hadn't seen Boyle's name on the credits, I never would have known this was his film.
I will admit there were aspects I liked. The quarantine concept was interesting, and I do recognize the powerful fear we have as a culture of the menance of virus. But the film so challenged my suspension of disbelief (and trust me, I can suspend quite a bit, as anyone who has sat through my movie night picks can attest) that I couldn't be bothered to fear anything they threw at me.
Here, by way of example, are some facts I learned from 28 Days Later...
- Right now scientists are working on a virus so powerful it can infect a human in 20 seconds, so contagious it will cause the apocalypse, and so poorly guarded that a group of unarmed animal activists can go in and set the infected animals free.
- A coma victim, upon waking after 28 days of no sustenance, care or muscle activity is capable of moving about as though he just had a long nap, and will regain peak physical condition almost immediately.
- Bike messengers apparently receive intense commando training as part of their job orientation. This allows them to survey, learn, and infiltrate new landscapes, as well as defeat a trained military troop single-handedly.
- Sugar and soda is the best thing for survival (to which any college student can no doubt attest)
- After the apocalypse, everyone will value food and water, but hair care products will be plentiful, as no one's hair is out of place.
- All bad guys have honor. Or are bumbling and spineless. Or some combination thereof.
- This apocalypse has been sponsored in part by Pepsi Cola
- Shopping is a fun way for a family to spend the end of the world
- The apocalypse will cause clothing to become compact and wrinkle resistant. This is helpful because although everyone carries only one bag, which contains everything they need to survive, they manage to carry enough clean clothing to wear something new, fashionable and wrinkle free everyday.
- People who kill violently and without mercy because they are infected with Rage must be killed immediately. Poeple who kill violently and without mercy because they are pissed off are the hero, and get the girl.
- A vaguely attractive hero who spends the duration of the film in various stages of undress is not enough to maintain my interest.
Right. Sorry. Just had to get it out of my system.
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Time is a Commodity and I Just Don't Have Enough
Yesterday, a co-worker came up to me to request marketing give-away materials for an upcoming event. I noticed that for the duration of the conversation, she was squinting. Although I sometime like to think of myself as being nigh unto a Goddess, I don't believe that I actually project an awesome light that makes it difficult for mere mortals to gaze directly upon my countenance.
I don't recall this co-worker ever having worn glasses--but I wondered if perhaps she wore contacts, and had either forgotten or lost them, which would account for her pronounced squinting. "Or," I thought, "maybe I just look really blurry today."
Nonsensical? Maybe. But I have been feeling blurry lately...stretched thin. I think this is largely due to the my schedule. I've been keeping up the holiday pace even though the holidays are over. Most nights I come home from work and stay just long enough to change clothes and possibly eat a quick dinner before running out the door. Others I go out directly from work, coming home so late that I have just enough time to check my email before collapsing into bed. And my weekends seem to be chockfull from morning (ok, late morning) to midnight.
Lately I seem unable to turn down an invitation to do anything. "Sarcasmo," they say, "wanna go to see a movie/hang out/take over the world/have coffee/go out for drinks/go to a show?" I consider it, and if it turns out I'd like to go to see a movie/hang out/take over the world/have coffee/go out for drinks/go to a show/spend time with that person" I agree, then somehow cram it into my already packed schedule.
It's gotten to the point where I don't have time for my personal projects. Pop Culture Boy and I seem to have to steal time to spend alone together. Time for myself? Hah! And let us not even BEGIN to discuss the condition of my apartment. A free half-hour here and there is no time to do any real cleaning. However, it is ample time to create dozens of tiny disasters (dirty dishes, laundry on the floor, coats thrown on a chair, pocket contents carelessly dumped on the table) that pile up.
I have a nice apartment. Honestly. It's under all that crap. Somewhere.
Oh, I know what you're thinking. "Boo-hoo, Sarcasmo. You poor thing, having fun things to do and interesting people to do them with." But you're confused. I'm not complaining about my hectic social life. I'm enjoying it. I delight in it. These are things I *want* to do, not have to do And people I want to do them with. There are no friends I feel I see too much of...but plenty I feel I don't see often enough. No one is twisting my arm to go out.
The problem is a distinct lack of time. Chip Scanlan says we have 8,760 hours to do things this year (link via Random Walks). That will hardly do. I need more time. There are Christmas presents I still haven't put away. Video games I've not had time enough to sit down and play. For the Love of Monkeys some of them are still shrinkwrapped. (If you're a gamer at all you can understand how much this pains me). And really, it would be a good thing if I could do things like dishes and laundry and taking out the trash. Pop Culture Boy helps, of course, but one can not expect him to do everything.
The way I see it, I have the following options available to help me beat the time crunch:
- Slow Down: A sane person would admit to themselves that they weren't 16 anymore, and that they should say no once in a while, stay in, zone in front of the tv and maybe do some laundry. I recognize the validity line of thinking, but not being entirely sane, I don't see me following this practice with any kind of regularity.
- Invent A Time Machine: Allowing me to travel back and forth through time at will, using the same half hour to go out, clean my apartment, and write a few paragraphs of the great American novel. It's not my lack of applicable scientific knowledge that keeps me from further pursuing this option...it's the terrible danger of paradox. What if I run into myself playing Simpsons Hit and Run when I want to play SSX III on my PS2? The ensuing fight would tear irreparable holes in the Space Time Continuum. And how could I do that to mankind?
- Clone Myself: No way. Clones are completely and utterly ewww. There are far too many ethical and environmental dilemmas involved to even consider it. In addition, there is the same video game danger as outlined above.
- Give up Sleep: This seems to work for Pop Culture Boy and Peccable both. I think their combined weekly sleep time is half of my own. I'm really not sure how they remain standing throughout the day (I'm currently working on the theory that they are both part robot). This is a bad option for me. No sleep makes Sarcasmo cranky. Very cranky. You wouldn't like me when I'm cranky.
- Hire a Cleaning Person: Having clean digs would greatly cut-down on my day to day stress levels. I hate coming home and/or waking up to a disaster area, as it reminds me unpleasantly of what a neglectful slob I am. I would hire a cleaning person, but currently it's outside my financial scope. And I've yet to find someone who will do it for free.
- Learn How to Cobble and Sew: Then I could make tiny clothes and shoes for the elves who I am continually hoping will come and do my housekeeping for me. I could knit them all tiny scarfs, but I want them to clean all year round, not just in the winter.
- Quit My Job: Then I'd have plenty of time for everything! Sadly, this is the least realistic option on the list, as I have not yet discovered a buried treasure that will make me independently wealthy and financially secure for life. However, since work is a large block of my time spent doing things I *don't* want to do, and it's distinctly draining available time away from things I do *want* to do, I've decided to blame my job for making me so tired. If I weren't so creatively and intellectually bored at work, maybe I wouldn't feel the need to rush out and do entertaining things in the evenings. (This is BS, of course. I would still go out and do things. But I have to blame this on someone, and, being an American citizen I have come to learn that one does not take responsibility for oneself or one's own actions. Finger pointing is the American Way!)
Where is the increased leisure time the technological revolution keeps promising me? I'm ready to collect, thank you very much.
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A Note for Local Readers
On January 24th, the Prince Music Theater will be hosting a Muppet Movie Sing-a-Long. That's right. The Muppets. With Singing. And Audience Costumes.
I feel the sudden need to own a Lew Zealand or Sweetums costume.
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A Few Short Things for a Monday
- Monday Morning Quiz: is up.
- Coolie: The Bare Naked Ladies have a Blog.
- EyeWitness to History: Experience historical events, such as the burning of Rome, the murder of Thomas Becket, and D Day; through the words, photos, and recorded audio records of those who lived them. This site could become an addicitve stop for me.
Via Neat New Stuff - Weavetastical: Tell your own tell of adventure by making your own historic tapestries. I'm still working on a story to tell. I'll let you know as soon as mine are done. Via Neil Gaiman's Journal.
- Interesting Things to Do With Your Life: 52 Projects.