Friday Follies   

  • "Call Me Jedi Master Flash": Your Light Saber and You.

  • I've Had Conversations a Bit Like This: Something Awful offers Sci Fi vs. Fantasy. This is by far my favorite.

  • What Does Your Piggy Say About You?: (Seemingly arbitrary) personality test that asks you to draw a pig, then analyze your personality based on the results. Here's my pig, who seems to say, "You can't draw worth a darn, Sarcasmo." - [I4M]

  • Man - I Knew Making Robots Work For Us Was Trouble: Creepy new video from the Chemical Brothers. [MF]

  • This Appeals to the Bullet-Point Lover in Me: Songs in List Format. For example:
    # Istanbul:

    * not Constantinople

    * a Turkish delight on a moonlit night

    # Every girl in Istanbul:

    * lives in Istanbul

    * does not live in Constantinople

    # Old New York:

    * once New Amsterdam

    * unsure why it was changed -> popular?

    # Constantinople:

    * long time gone

    * got the works

    Great thread with some very creative comments. [SS]

Posted by Sarcasmo on Thursday, March 31, 2005
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This is How Easily I Can Be Bought. With Caffeine.   

(Psst....Yagathai - this might interest you.)

Adagio Teas, disappointed with their Google Rank, has put together a clever little marketing ploy; bribing bloggers to link to them with promises of tea.

What can I say. Not only do I respect their moxy - but I also happen to enjoy tea and tea pots. - [GAB]

Posted by Sarcasmo on Thursday, March 31, 2005
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I'll be blogging less about gadgets here*, as the Shiny Team at Shiny Shiny are letting me play in their virtual, gadget-loving sandbox.

On the plus side - that means more room for wacky links and hijinks here.

*I will still, of course, babble on endlessly about paranoid love/fear realationship with robotics. Did you see that they are building robot swarms now? Like that isn't going to get out of control.

**No, "letting me play in their virtual gadget-loving sandbox" is not dirty. Shame on you for thinking so.

Posted by Sarcasmo on Thursday, March 31, 2005
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Monday Morning Madness   

  • Monday Morning Quiz: G'wan. You know you wanna.

  • Could You Survive On Another Planet?: What if you had to learn the language? Tork is fun, challenging, and driving me out of my mind. - [BC]

  • Argh! Someone Teach This Monkey To Jump!: I this rate, I'll only be able to save the monkey if the shark gets bored with waiting and goes home. -[WW]

  • This Is Cool...and a Little Creepy: The Scribbller (don't panic - it's an app - not a Gotham City villain) invites you to create a line drawing - then creates it's own drawing based on it.

  • And Speaking of Cool Things That Are a Little Creepy... I love gadgets - but sometimes they freak me out: Case in point:

    1. Although I Appreciate It As A Metaphor: I'm not all together comfortable with a clock that marches forward like Time itself. (On the other hand - it is pretty adorable - and I do like the idea of keeping Time as a pet. -[PG]

    2. I Don't Want My Clothes Making Decisions on Their Own: I have a tattoo - and it is strategically located on my body so that it is hidden by most outfits I wear, and yet able to be shown off, if I wish, while still retaining my modesty. I know people view their tattoos and how they do or don't present them to the world - but I do think the presentation should be the choice of the individual - and not of their clothing. - [wwmna]

    3. It's Not That I Can't Appreciate Robot Pets: Trotwood (Ruler of Minions) aside, I played with an Aibo in the Sony showrooms in Japan, and I thought it was the cutest thing ever. But this robot cat gives me the serious willies. Perhaps it's the flashback to those old Teddy Ruxpin commercials where the talking teddy bear seemed to summon all the woodland creatures and hold them in his thrall - but I'm fundamentally against robotic animals having fur. - [gab]

    4. Beware of Storage Devices That Taunt You: The Mystery Box - [MF]

Posted by Sarcasmo on Sunday, March 27, 2005
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Dear SciFi Channel   

Tonight I watched the episode Rose from the new Doctor Who; it was absolutely excellent.*

I have also recently watched the SciFi Original Movie Mansquito; which was not.

As you have refused to pick up Doctor Who, but continue to make original films - I seriously think it's time you re-evaluate the folks making your programming decisions.

I'm available for consulting.

Think about it. Seriously.

Hugs and kisses,

* Big thumbs up to Chris Eccleston as the new Doctor - he's saavy, snarky, and superb, as the good Doctor should be.

Posted by Sarcasmo on Saturday, March 26, 2005
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Film Festival Viewing Schedule   

Although nothing is final until I get the tickets, what follows is my planned viewing schedule for this year's film festival (the only ticket I have so far is for A Clockwork Orange - thanks to the folks who got in touch to let me know it wasn't yet sold out.) There are still a few other movies I might catch if the mood strikes me, but these are the one's I've decided on for sure:

Saturday, April 9

12:30, Ritz East Theater 1 - Quiet as a Mouse (Germany)

5:00, The Bridge - Frozen (Great Britain) (w/F)

10:00, Ritz East Theater 1 - Survive Style 5+ (Japan) (w/F)

Sunday, April 10

9:45, Prince Music Theater - *Izo (Japan)

Monday, April 11

9:45, Ritz East Theater 1 - One Missed Call (Japan)

Wednesday, April 13

7:30, The Bridge - The Promise (Spain)

Friday , April 15th

9:30, Prince Music Theater - A Clockwork Orange (Great Britain) (w/S,RSM)

Saturday, April 16th

4:45, The Bridge - Oldboy (South Korea) (w/F)

Sunday, April 17th

2:45, The Bridge - Arahan (South Korea)

7:30, Ritz at the Bourse - Soundless (Germany) (w/F)

10:00, Ritz East Theater - Karaoke Terror (Japan) (w/F)

There aren't as many countries represented by my choices as I'd like - but overall I don't think I did too badly in the diversity area (especially since the films I were drawn to tended to have the words "dark", "satirical" or "psychological thriller" somewhere in the description). If you're planning on attending any of the above shows and would like to meet-up, let me know. I'm generally pretty good about sharing my popcorn.


Posted by Sarcasmo on Saturday, March 26, 2005
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It's Film Festival Time   

Dear Philly Folks:

Film Festival time is upon us once again - which means it's once again time for me to wish that I had planned ahead, saved up money, and set some vacation time aside for the festival. Ah, well. I'll remember to do that one of these years.

Anyhoo, of the 40 movies that tickled my fancy, I figure I can realistically make it to about 15-20 (I *hate* not working in town). The movies I've marked in red are the ones I definitely plan to see, and the rest are ones I am interested in, and could be persuaded to see without too much arm twisting. (Frankly, I'd like to put Clockwork Orange on my first tier list - just because I've never seen it on the big screen - but as Malcolm McDowell is scheduled to be there, I am assuming it's already sold out.)

I have just begun the complicated process of trying to work out a film viewing schedule where my movies don't overlap, aren't being shown while I am at work, and where I'm left with more than 5 minutes to haul myself across town to make the next picture...and plan to get my tickets next week. So - if you see anything on the list you're planning to see, and would like to try and coordinate viewing times, let me know.

Posted by Sarcasmo on Friday, March 25, 2005
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Friday Follies   

  • Umm...Ok: Not really sure the purpose of this game in which you alter ladies' shoes with your little hammer (perhaps you are saving them from poor choices in perilous footwear?) - but it's not a bad diversion. (It's not that easy, either. I think I may have broken several virtual ankles).

  • Lovely..and a Wee Bit Frightening: The Delivery [M&C].

  • Nifty!: If I can figure out how exactly to do this with my monitor, I'm giving it a go on my work machine. I'm trying it at home, but I think it's trickier than it looks.

  • Froody!: Great place to get your Universe-galavanting essential - the towel - [CT].

  • Awesome Best. Casemod. Ever. -[BB]

Posted by Sarcasmo on Thursday, March 24, 2005
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Still Recovering   

But as some people still seem to think no blogging=Sarcasmo lost in a ditch somewhere (It's not true - I swear. Sometimes I just go outside or read a book and such. Honestly - this blog doesn't *own* me.) I wanted to post and let y'all know I'm not - well, lost in a ditch somewhere.

Also - I realized I never made good on the links for Monday. So here are some random links that are in no way realted, except for the fact that I find them vaguely amusing:

  • The Episode III trailer, translated for the L33T - [MF].

  • A video for a catchy little Eurovision competition ditty - and one that makes me wonder when Doug Henning joined an Austrian disco band. - [BB]

  • The Toy Zoo is a fantastic collection of toys broken down into their components and then reassembled and assigned super powers by children of all ages. It's brillant, fun, and darn near Dadaist. -[BB]

Alright, folks. That's all I've got. I'm creeping off now to watch House and cough myself red in the face. And if I'm feeling particularly fesity later, I'll lay around with a swan-like hand on my pale brow and pretend I have consumption. (I'm getting cranky - can you tell?)

Stupid cough.

Posted by Sarcasmo on Tuesday, March 22, 2005
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No Madness Today   

Greetings, all.

As it happens, I've been fighting off some cold variant all last week - and darn it if the little germs didn't win out. Whereas, thanks to the wonders of modern medical science (and, more frankly, in pursuit of a continued paycheck) I rejoin the land of the living today - I'm afraid I spent the bulk of my weekend in a sleepy hermitude - and failed to attend to the ever important task of finding silly links so we could all spend the day slacking off while we pretended to work.

So - sorry about that. Blame the virus. I know I will be.

Here, at least, is the Monday Morning Quiz (and let's face it - that's all you really come for anyway).

I'll post more mayhem as time and energy permits.

Posted by Sarcasmo on Sunday, March 20, 2005
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Heartfelt congratulations to Vis Major and Zensmile on their big news! I'm terrifically happy for both of you!

Pssst...Zensmile...just so you know....before you make an honest woman of Vis, I feel duty bound to take her out for extreme hijiks. It's protocol, you know. :)

Posted by Sarcasmo on Friday, March 18, 2005
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Friday Follies   

  • Eat, Drink and Be Merry - For Tomorrow We May Die. No...Seriously. Science Says So.: According to this article, "scientists have found that a mass extinction is due any moment now." - [PA] Wondering what it would be like? Check out the ongoing The Last Person on Earth Flikr Group (slideshow here). [DB]. An impending apocalypse sure does make it hard to get motivated to work through sunny Friday - let's all call out doomed and go to the beach instead.

  • And In Case The Apocalypse is Caused by Zombies: (what? the scientists have no idea what caused the previous mass extinctions. Why not zombies?) Now's the time to study up and take the Zombie Scenario Survival Test. [CT] I scored a 72% chance of survival.
    Whether through ferocity or quickness, you made it out. You made the right choice most of the time, but you probably screwed up somewhere. Nobody's perfect, at least you're alive.
    To all my nearest and dearest (and I've told many of you this before) should you turn into a zombie - I'm not going to lock you in the basement and hope you are miraculously cured at sunrise. Just so you know.

  • No Need to Lose Decorum While Panicing: If you must swear during the end-of-the-world - try to at least appear to hold onto the last vestiges of civilzation by swearing with fictional curse words; that way a smaller percentage of your fellow humans will realize you're swearing. - [I4M] Maybe the rest of the populace thing you're performing a potentially world-saving incantation and will let you panic in peace. (Short ancedote here - no harm in sharing since the world is ending - when for about 3 months when I was in high school, instead of swearing I would say the word "Doom" when I was upset or angry. I did this because there was a character in a Terry Pratchet novel that only ever said "Doom" and I thought that was pretty cool (didn't realize I've been crazy quite that long, did you?) Strangely enough - there's something quite satisfying about grumbling "Doom" under your breath.

  • And Just In Case You Thought This Whole Apocalypse Thing is a Joke: Watch this. It should pretty much dispel all doubt that the end of the world is coming.

Posted by Sarcasmo on Thursday, March 17, 2005
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Lazy Feel/In the Beat/ Eastern Light is Waning *   

One of my many personality flaws charming quirks is the fact that I am a night owl who loves her sleep. I am absolute jealous of it - and woe betide the mere mortal who tries to rouse me from my bed.

Now, for most people; people who are "responsible" and "grownup", this dichotomy of character would likely mean defying their circadian rhythms and getting to bed at a decent hour to get a full 8-10 hours or acquiring a night job**. Not me. I maintain a day job - and yet am unwilling unable to deny my natural attraction to late hours. This can make mornings tricky.

There is a moment the first shrieks of my alarm clock pierce my slumber that my mind is unbelievably sharp and alert; in this strange state between dreaming and waking, I am able to do the kind of complex mathematical equations that could likely solve the world's ongoing energy crisis and possibly pinpoint and help us establish and communicate a peaceful and meaningful dialog with interplanetary species. Alas for mankind, in these mili-seconds, this astonishing brain power is used to determine the precise number of times I can hit the snooze alarm and still manage to shower, dress, each breakfast, have coffee and make it to my bus time. I skillfully plan the most effective and time-saving ways to alter my morning routine (breakfast in the shower? brilliant! how have I never done this before?) before curling up in body-warmed blankets, closing my eyes and falling into a deep 7-9 minute sleep before starting the process again.

Hey - laugh if you must - but I almost always make my bus.


Imagine the nervous twitter I've felt in my stomach the past few days when all sorts of insidious alarm clocks starting populating the gadget pages I love so well::

  • The Puzzle Alarm Clock - "When it's time to leave your incredibly cosy bed each morning, not only will your ears be treated to a fantastic ringing melody, a 4-piece jigsaw puzzle randomly shoots out. So what you ask? Well, in order to turn off a ringing alarm, you must solve the jigsaw puzzle, assembling it back on to the clock." [CT]

  • Clocky - "Clocky is a clock for people who have trouble getting out of bed. When the snooze bar is pressed, Clocky rolls off the table and finds a hiding spot, a new one every day. " -[G] ***

  • The Hanging Alarm Clock -"Hayat Benchenaa hanging alarm clock is a hanging ball suspended over your bed that lights and chimes to wake you up. To hit snooze, you just give it a little smack, causing the alarm to retract on its cord just a little nearer to the ceiling—forcing you to stretch more and more each time until you’re eventually swiping at it with a broom, because you have 20-foot loft ceilings." [G]

Oh, clockmakers of the world, why do you hate me so? Is it because I had to take the batteries out of my Wallace and Gromit talking alarm clock all those years ago to stop myself from throwing it out the window? Because you know, I did that out of love for those two claymation cuties. Please do not take my snooze alarm away. Those few "stolen" moments of sleep is one of the simple joys in life that keep me from turning into an obvious raving lunatic.

*"Sleepin' In" by Richard Julian

**Like gas station attendant, torch singer, or vampire.

*** If you ask me - this is a clock just *asking* to be throttled.****

**** Yes - I realize it's an inanimate object.

Posted by Sarcasmo on Thursday, March 17, 2005
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Professional Fashion Woes   

I've heard the adage over and over again: Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have.

Thing is - I already do. As I want to be a professional writer/evil villain, I sport a mostly black, sort-of rumpled ensemble with just-rolled-out-of-bed hair and slightly unfocused eyes. My expression is almost always far away and slightly devious.

I mean, what else has a girl got to do to get promoted to Most Feared Super Genius and Best Selling Author around here?

You know what's holding me back? I bet it's the cape. I'd wear a long, black flowy one every day - but those things play hell with bus doors - and even evil super geniuses know better than to irritate their local mass transit drivers.

Posted by Sarcasmo on Wednesday, March 16, 2005
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Poor, Poor, Pitiful Me   

Dear Internet(s):

Hello, darling. How is the world treating you these days? I realize I’ve been neglecting you lately, and I’m writing to say I’m sorry. You’ve always been so good to me – you’re attentive and kind and have never failed to answer my need for company and entertainment – whether it be 3PM or 3AM. You laugh at my jokes, indulge my obsessions, and validate and enable my most anti-social and quirky tendencies.

Really – you’re quite more than I deserve.

And I’ve been so awful to you lately – using you for your Flash games and entertaining web comics, and giving nothing back in return. Oh, sure, I’ve recycled some links here and there – both for my own amusement and to assure folks who worry that I am, indeed, alive and well and have not, as of yet, been: kidnapped by wolves, shanghaied by pirates, or spirited away by gypsies, fairies, or gypsy fairies into the mysterious and magical land of the Fey*. ** But as for meaningful conversation – well, in that I’ve failed you. I haven’t posted anything more than a few short words in ages.***

Truth be told, I’ve been a bit of a grump lately – and a grump of the worse variety. My life lately – though bereft of any excitement – is by and large good. But, as I am largely dismayed by the status quo - this streak of peace and tranquility has left me restless and bored – and as such I have been indulging my tendency to allow life’s little aggravations to become larger-than-life dramas in my head when no other drama can be found. It’s petty and distasteful and painfully bourgeois, and something of which I am not proud.

By and large, I think I swallowed some sour grapes in the last week or so – and instead of facing up to my fear of taking the kind of risks necessary to bring about the changes I want in my life – I’ve been sulky, sullen, out-of-sorts, and in my own head, generally not myself.**** I was certainly in no condition to be blogging – after all, let’s face it – there’s lots of folks out there who handle dissociated ennui and self-indulgent blathering much more elegantly I.

In any case, I’m bored with being cranky – and am bound and determined to get over it, and should be back to my regular hi-jinks soon - hopefully of the uber-wacky variety.

Thanks for being patient with me, baby. Of all the Internets in the world, I think I love you best.

Hugs and Kisses,


*Waves hi to family.

**Although I’ll wager that Oberon has a T1 line somewhere in his wooded copse - not that he’d know how to use it – but I’m sure Goodfellow is a Flamewar starting troll extraordinaire. But at the moment, that is neither here nor there..

***By the look of my archives – at least a week – which may not seem long to you – but for my short-attention span – it feels practically like an eternity.

**** Not sure who I was, but whoever she is I hope I never get stuck sitting next to her on a long plane ride. She’s miserable.

Posted by Sarcasmo on Tuesday, March 15, 2005
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Monday Morning Madness   

  • Monday Morning Quiz: Quiz time.

  • Beck Rocks it Old School ASCII Style: My Black Tamborine- [OL]

  • Sweet...and Metered: Gummy Worm Haiku - [LF]

  • I Bet Their Folks Didn't Let Them Bang on Pots and Pans As Kids: I'm not too proud to admit that I'm a fan of Bonnie Tyler's Total Eclipse of the Heart; in fact, I can belt an off-key rendition out with the best of them. However, I won't go so far as to say I'm a fan of this cover version by Hurra Torpedo - " band that uses kitchen appliences for percussion," but it certainly is something to see. Pity they couldn't find a way to work the creepy "Turn around, brigh eyes" kid into their stage show.

  • What Could Be Better Than a Chocolate Loki?: Get your Trickster archetypes - and other deities - in the easiest of all forms to revere - chocolate (or even better - chocolate and gilded]. Never before has heresy been so tasty! - [MP]

Posted by Sarcasmo on Sunday, March 13, 2005
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Friday Follies   

  • "Build up couples using your ninja love weapons": With directions like that, how can you not play Ninja Cupid? Come on - you know you want the adorable Ninja love. - [D]

  • OOohhhh...Math is Purty: Draw perfectly repeating patterns with The Escher Web Sketch. - [JWB] Man, I miss my spirograph.

  • Ow...My Brain!: Hanan of growabrain has put together a fantastic link of websites where you click your mouse button or press a keyboard key and subsequently inexplicable things, usually involving music and/orsumptous visuals, happen. There are a bunch of great ones - but I'm so tripped out from playing with them I can't pick just one - so I'm linking to his whole post.

  • Reality Getting You Down?: Then check out the Uncyclopedia - like Wikipedia - but full of falsehoods, falacies, and out-and-out lies. For example - learn all about Oscar Wilde (and making up quotes attributed to Oscar Wilde), Mordor, Sauron, Lord of the Dance, and, for the Bill of Rights.

  • Something to Ponder While You Work Today: Animated short: More. It's beautifully sad.

Posted by Sarcasmo on Thursday, March 10, 2005
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Knee Deep in the What Now?   

I love Starbucks coffee

Do I hate the small business owner? No. Do I realize it's ludicrous to pay over $4.00 for cup of coffee? Of course. (Do I think secretly wonder if they put an addictive chemical in their coffee blends? Possibly). But in the end, I think they're coffee is quite tasty - and I am shallow enough to be willing to forgive the encroachment of Western Corporate culture on the world if it means I can get a consistently good triple venti latte more or less anywhere in the world.*

What I can't forgive, however, is this song. It's wrong. It's very, very wrong. - [bd]

And it makes me not want to drink a cafe mocha ever again.

*My most surreal Starbucks moment ever is when my sisters called me from Tokyo to wish me a happy birthday last year. Their call came right after I had gotten home from Starbucks to pick up my breakfast. The weird bit is that they called just when they got home from Starbucks for a late night snack. That's coffee for you - bringing sleepless folks together from half-way round the world!

Posted by Sarcasmo on Wednesday, March 09, 2005
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Baths are Bliss   

March is living up to it's tired old adage (lion, lamb, yadda yadda yadda). After spending yesterday sun-touched and hat-free in weather that barely warrented a coat, Philadelphians who dared waken from their Winter slumber to to the first promises of Spring were had weather weary spirits crushed today when snow and high winds swept the region, leaving behind icy sidewalks and limbo low temperatures.

Some, due to poor choices of footwear spent the day miserable and with wet feet in their barely heated office.

And by some, I mean me.

Traditionally, my first act when coming home with soggy shoes and frozen toes is to treat myself to a bubble bath so hot it turns my skin a lovely lobster pink. That and a glass of wine and a sweet treat can set my spirit right pretty quickly.

But you know what would set it right even quicker? Having one of these at my daily disposal. - [PG] Spa bath? Leg rests? Colored lights? Sign. Me. Up.

Sigh. I really need to stop reading gadget sites. They make me want everything.

Everything, except maybe one of these. - [G] What good is a robot if all they're going to do is eat your sweet treats?

This is the inherent danger of robots I keep trying to warn you people about. First they want our cookies - next they'll be spending all day "testing" our hydro-thermal tubs. And just imagine how cranky I'll be when I can't have my cookie and bubble bath after the robots have taken over.

You wouldn't like me when I'm cranky. You've been warned.

Posted by Sarcasmo on Tuesday, March 08, 2005
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Still in Email Limbo   

If you've been trying to email me at my personal account and have had no
luck, try emailing me at the website address instead [sarcasmo at
sarcasmoscorner dot com].

I won't be my usual lightning self with responses - but rumors now have
recovery time for my main account ranging from several hours to over a
week from now. (No official word even though it's been 3 days - so I am
hoping for the best and expecting the worst - the worst being that my
Sidekick will simply self-destruct).


Posted by Sarcasmo on Tuesday, March 08, 2005
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Communications Update   


Well - my device just finally reconnected to the network this morning. I have my email addresses and phone numbers back - but my entire calendar is wiped. Also - email has not yet started filtering to my device - (although it looks like I can send again) - and the web-interface is still shot.

What does this mean to you? Very little, unless you've sent me an urgent email message regarding an appointment we may or may not have had today or later this week. For me, however, it's extrememly frustrating.

As I understand it, my messages and such should be playing catch-up throughout the day - so if I owe you an email, please be patient - I probably don't know it yet.

In the meantime, feel free to play this amusing hedgehog game. It's absolutely unrelated to anything else in this post - but it is silly and fun.

Posted by Sarcasmo on Tuesday, March 08, 2005
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Communication Breakdown   

Seems the folks who make my communications device, and the folks through whom I get internet service for said device are not communicating well with one another - and as such my access to email is sporadic at best. Hopefully it will work itself out today, but for the past 24 hours or so it's been pretty touch-and-go.

I am hoping these network outages aren't also affecting my phone service, but I have no way to be sure.

In the meantime, if you're having trouble contacting me, please consider semiphore and/or smoke signals.


Posted by Sarcasmo on Monday, March 07, 2005
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Monday Morning Madness   

  • Monday Morning Quiz: Quiz it good.

  • I'm Surprisingly Polite: How would you fare in polite Victorian society? Apparently I'm the "Picture of Politeness" by both male and female standards (although - to be fair - there was no way in the female version of the test to make the woman insist on being allowed to discuss politics over brandy and cigars or demand entrance into the gentleman's club - so I don't know how accurate that assessment is). No matter how polite you really are, I recommend giving a few bad answers just for the comedic value (particularly when asked to choose your apparell). Also, is it just me - or is the gentleman in the men's version totally whistling the theme to the Smurf's?

  • With Props to My Hard Rock Roots: In high school, I was a wee bit of a head banger. And whereas I'm not especially proud of those days - I'm not ashamed of them either I don't rock out so much these days, but in remembrance of metal concerts and manual whiplash, here is me a la Slash (because I still maintain that Guns 'N' Roses' Appetite for Destruction is one of the best rock albums of all time). Live your rock and roll fantasy with the help of the Heavy Metal Makeover. Then bang your head a little (come on, you know you want to). - [b-d-c]

  • Saddest Description of Fight Club Ever: This essay postulates that Jack and Tyler are the logical adult extentions of Calvin and Hobbes. [AAG21C]

  • Ahh! Who Gave the Zombie Squirrels GUNS?: They're squirrels...who are zombies. You shoot them. Yay!

Posted by Sarcasmo on Sunday, March 06, 2005
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A Lovely Surprise   

A big thanks to the generous Grantfor my World Book Day present (why didn't I think of that? World Book Day should totally be a gift-giving holiday! ), delivered today by the postman - who really did ring twice! (Did you know they actually did that? Me neither.)

There is nothing better than coming home from running tedious errands - and finding a surprise book at your door.

Thanks, Grant. I'm terrifically fond of this book, and can't wait to dive in.

Posted by Sarcasmo on Saturday, March 05, 2005
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What Pop Song Were You Born Under?   

I was born in the Year of Roberta Flack, under the Birthstar of Paul McCartney (and Wings), and the BirthSong My Love.

Scoff at Popstrology if you must - but it seems just about as accurate as any other astrological fortune-telling I've encountered - and it has the added bonus of having it's own soundtrack. - [CT]

Posted by Sarcasmo on Friday, March 04, 2005
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Curse you Sci-Fi Channel!

Man, if I didn't like the new Battlestar Galactica so much, I wouldn't even be speaking to you right now.

No new Who? Dang.

Posted by Sarcasmo on Thursday, March 03, 2005
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Friday Follies   

  • We Will Bury Them With Their Own Confusion: Some of you may recall that in 1984, Apple aired a commercial during the Super Bowl which suggested the PCs hold on the home computing market was something akin to an Orwellian nightmare. Well, it's been updated.[FotR]

  • Which Hemisphere Of Your Brain Is Quicker?: Battle it out with Twinoo - "The First MoMPG (Mono Multiplayer Game)" - [IAB]

  • Technology in the Home...Not Quite Like The Jetsons: Creepy lampshades giving you nightmares? No worry - this watch can help you wake up after a night of fevered tossing and turning...and if you're still cranky after a nap - this table and frame (bottom of page) can warn your loved ones of your bitter mood, and they'll know to stay away when you go and play in the veldt down the hall (unless, of course, you've replaced them all with robots already). [ PG, G and wmmna, respectively]

  • Comic I'm Currently Loving: Bunny - a little bit off center and updated daily. Some favorites installments so far include giant moon laser, little red button, dr whowhatnow?, pirate vs ninja and lovecraft..oh! and bun of dead. I could go on and on. Read them all. They are weird and funny and geekily wonderful.

  • I Am the Face Man!: Wow, you can find anything with craigslist...even the A-Team. Gosh, I love it when technology and society come together. - [BB]

Posted by Sarcasmo on Thursday, March 03, 2005
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I Always Knew I Was Certifiably Something   

When I got married, they gave me a certificate to mark the occasion. It was a lovely thing; printed on patterned paper with elaborate borders and all the textual adornments done up in florid fonts - and that a mere certificate! Later, when the marriage dissolved and the lawyers told me to expect a copy of my divorce decree, I must admit I imagined that I'd be in receipt of something ornate - possibly museum worthy.

I envisioned a bedecked messenger (accompanied by two additional heralds bearing long, fluted herald horns) riding hard down the asphalt city streets, halting their liveried steeds before my brownstone, having ridden through the night, with no regard to their safety, bottomless potholes or traffic signal; their faces wind-whipped red with the cold. After seeing to it that their horses needs were tended to, and that the riders themselves were refreshed with a meal of bread and hard cheese, and a serving of heated spiced-wine with which to warm their bones, I would offer them the slightest of nods to indicate the time had come for them to complete their mission. The two heralds would blow their horns in a syncopated fanfare as the messenger, with his sandy-blond hair and piercing blue eyes, climbed the stony stair that lead to my front door. After a dramatic pause designed to make sure he had the full attention of the neighborhood, he would unroll the elegantly appointed, beautifully hand scripted scroll (which bore a large, gold, royal seal). Clearing his throat, he would announce to the world* in a deep, loud voice that spoke of a wisdom and sadness that belied his youth:

Let it be known by all within the sound of my voice,

In this great land, and throughout all the world

Sarcasmo is hereby released from the bonds of matrimony

By Order of His Majesty, The King.

After which I might or might not have had my archers (awaiting my command on the rooftop deck across the street from my building) shoot him and his compatriots full of arrows and sent back to the King as a declaration of war and an indication that I had my eyes firmly fixed on his throne...depending on how I felt upon receiving the news. **

I have to admit it was a bit of a let down when I discovered the decree unceremoniously deposited in my mailbox yesterday***, along with the catalogs, political mass mailing postcards, and the rest of my common mail - a mere sheet of typing paper, message picked out on typewriter, then tri-folded into a envelope on which my name had been hastily scribbled (and misspelled), and which was not signed by HRH, but rather the less impressive President Judge****.

Ah, well, whether it came by emissary or postal employee - the resulting dilemma remains the same:

What is the proper way for me to answer questions regarding my marital status?*****

The way I see it, my options are thus:

  1. Divorced

    • Pros: Can make me feel/sound like I've got a much more checkered past than I have - especially if you sex-it-up by using the French term, Divorcée. Lends me an air of mystery - and also gives me permission to be as naughty as I want to be, as I won't be expected to uphold any virginal pretenses.

    • Cons: Can be easily translated as "Unable to maintain a successful relationship" or "Steer Clear - Excess Baggage Ahead!"

  2. Single

    • Pros: Simple. Elegant. Practical. Accurate.

    • Cons: It smacks of false advertising - and perhaps unfair to those who are willing to spend time with bona fide singles - but who would prefer to stay away from the Previously Married set (we're a dangerous, volatile bunch, you know). After all, if there is a "Divorced" designation, isn't it unfair not to use it?

  3. Spinster /Old Maid

    • Pros: If reading far too much Victorian literature has taught me anything, it's that the childless, unmarried aunt gets to live off the generosity and good graces of their younger, married family members; they may be cross and bossy whenever the mood strikes them; and most importantly, they have carte blancheto play out their fantasies of youth and romance by manipulating the lives of their inexperienced nieces, nephews, and other young wards. Why - just think of all the irresponsible, inappropriate, and (likely) tragic fun I could get my nephew into protect my nephew from when he's grown a little.

    • Cons: The Spinster aunt also has a propensity to be hysterical, histrionic, and has known to be locked away forever in an attic decorated with yellow wallpaper for her own safety (and the sanity and overall peace of her family).

I was actually sorting hoping to use the later, but the dictionary will not allow me as it seems they only apply to women who have never married. Pity. I should note that I am attracted to the later terms not because I like what they stand for - I don't. In fact, I rather resent the outmoded idea that women should be married by a certain age or be considered societal cast-offs.******. What I do like about it is the strange freedom they seem to represent - once dubbed a Spinster - a woman no longer faces the social pressure to find a mate. They are left alone, to their own pursuits - no longer a commodity - but rather a person. If they do later marry, what a lovely surprise. If not - nobody bothers to pressure them about it.

I realize I'm not living the life of a young woman trapped in a Victorian drawing room - but I have seen the same sort of social pressure applied over and over again to every single person I know.

A mere three weeks after my marriage ended, a woman I know asked me if I planned to get married again. I found it an odd question, but told her that I had no immediate plans - but I supposed if I met someone in future who I wanted to spend the remainder of my days with, and he wanted to spend the remainder of his days with me, and we were both in agreement that a formal marriage contract was the way we both wanted to go about it - then I didn't see why I wouldn't.

She looked at me like I had three heads and then said if she ever got divorced, she'd get remarried right away. She seemed extraordinarily perturbed that I wasn't immediately making matrimonial arrangements for myself.

I suppose some people simply cannot imagine adult life without being married - and are confused by people who can and do.

I think that this is the power of "Divorced" over "Single" - because, let's face it - whether one choose's to be single, or has singleness thrust upon them - very few enjoy answering the barrage of questions that inevitably follows when one is discovered to be unmarried at a certain age******* . In situations where the phrase "Bite me," would be an indelicate response (such as in the workplace, or while being knighted by the Queen), the phrase "I'm divorced, actually" seems well suited to halt that conversation to an uncomfortable silence, which I can then use to turn the conversation to something scandalous, salacious, and snarky.

Although, frankly, I'm still going to try and work that free room-and-board Spinster Aunt angle.

*Well, ok, to my street .

**You know...traditional messenger protocol.

***Several people have congratulated me upon learning that the paperwork has been completed. I have to admit, I find this a bit funny. Not because I don't appreciate the sentiment (and the implied support that goes with it), I do - and certainly it must be the correct response to the news, as even my lawyer's letter began with a congratulatory salutation - it's just that I find it a bit odd - sort of like saying "Congratulations for failing your Marriage!"

****Now, I'm sure "President Judge" is a very important job, but does it sound to anyone else like one day three kids decided to play "Impeachment" and the first one said "I'll be the President!" and the second one said "I'll be the Judge!" and the third one (you know, the one no one really likes but who their parents make them play with because he lives just down the street), perhaps out of fear of having to wear the blue dress or of being stuck on judicial subcommittee shouted out "Oh yeah? Well I'm going to be the President Judge." and then proceeded to insist that President Judge's got to wear capes and could fly and had heat vision? Or does that only happen in my head?

*****Let's assume, for sake of argument, "That's none of your damn business, and besides, I don't define myself as a person by my romantic status." is not a viable option. After all - this quandary most often occurs when faced with forms at doctor's offices and the like - and they don't have a box marked "Mind your beeswax." - although I suppose I could always draw one in. But dare I tempt the ire of the Census and Demographic Police?

******And let us not forget the nicer sounding, but equally insidious Japanese term, Christmas Cake.

*******Which is inevitably followed by a kindly-meant list of everything that the single person in question should correct about themselves in order to acquire a mate and, at last, join civilization.

Posted by Sarcasmo on Thursday, March 03, 2005
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Some Thursday Motivation   

Motivational Posters...Starrring Comic Book Villains. My favorites: Laughter, Compassion, Success, Teamwork and Ambition. If I printed these out, I wonder how many I could hang around my desk before I got fired. - [BC]

Posted by Sarcasmo on Thursday, March 03, 2005
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Today... World Book Day.

Please celebrate: go read a book, buy a book, read to someone, buy a book for someone, or even recommend a book to someone.

Posted by Sarcasmo on Thursday, March 03, 2005
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My Sacriligeous Sense is Tingling!   

Spider-Man's Greatest Bible Stories - [bb]

Posted by Sarcasmo on Wednesday, March 02, 2005
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We Now Interrupt This Blog to Prove That I'm A Capitalist at Heart   

Stuff I've recently found while web-surfing that I'd like to own:

And something I've found that I absolutely do not want: a velvet portrait of me as Elvis - [JWB].

We now return you to your regular blogging day.

Posted by Sarcasmo on Wednesday, March 02, 2005
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It's Meme Time!   

I wrote a good deal of poetry in high school in college. Much of it was bad - the remainder dreadful (consider yourself warned). Still, when I saw the 'Where I'm From' Meme on Pratie Place, I felt compelled to participate. After all - I am proud of my heritage - and I do love a good meme.

The meme originated at Fragments from Floyd and is based on the poem Where I'm From by George Ella Lyons. Here's the format, from Fragments of Floyd, in case you'd like to play along:

I am from _______ (specific ordinary item), from _______ (product name) and _______.

I am from the _______ (home description... adjective, adjective, sensory detail).

I am from the _______ (plant, flower, natural item), the _______ (plant, flower, natural detail)

I am from _______ (family tradition) and _______ (family trait), from _______ (name of family member) and _______ (another family name) and _______ (family name).

I am from the _______ (description of family tendency) and _______ (another one).

From _______ (something you were told as a child) and _______ (another).

I am from (representation of religion, or lack of it). Further description.

I'm from _______ (place of birth and family ancestry), _______ (two food items representing your family).

From the _______ (specific family story about a specific person and detail), the _______ (another detail, and the _______ (another detail about another family member).

I am from _______ (location of family pictures, mementos, archives and several more lines indicating their worth).


Here's my "poem":

I am from a black ink pen,

from Coca Cola and 7-11.

I am from the uneven back yard...

(Rolling, sudden,

smelling grass green.)

I am from the pine tree,

the fir bush with red berries

squished like jelly on curious young fingers.

I am from playing pinochle and laughing
with head-thrown-back abandon,

from Mildred and Naomi.

I am from sarcasm

and storytelling.

From "Be nice to your sister" and "Well, then, hit her back"

I am from purjuring myself before god in his house

saying "Yes" at my confirmation

having already learned that history and dogma
would not align.

I'm from Philadelphia and Amish Dutch Country,

from warm cinammon bread and tomatoes served in maynoaise.

From the Helen's secret wedding

and the way The Brothers nod off with the same jerk of the head

after a large meal.

I am from a bright red box on a shelf in my office

enveloped, sorted, and full nearly bursting,

I am from the cool surface of my mantel piece,

smiling to remind me.

Posted by Sarcasmo on Tuesday, March 01, 2005
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Apparently, Zombies Readily and Cheaply Available in Clark County   

Dear Fellow Americans:

I realize our nation has been carefully cultivating a culture of fear and mistrust - for the public good - but are we so desperate to burn witches that it has now become necessary to arrest high school students for creative writing?

Now, I remember some of the stories I wrote in high school - and perhaps I can see punishing high school authors (and, frankly, some adult ones as well) for the way they slaughter the English language - but it seems terribly silly to hold a teenager on $5,000 bail because he wrote a story about zombies taking over a school (not even his school). Are we really concerned that this student was slaving away in cemetaries at night trying to raise an army of the undead? Surely this sort of thing is difficult to accomplish between completeing one's homework and being home by curfew.

Because if we aren't saying his story was actually a blue-print for a zombie invasion - then the suggestion is that creativity and imagination are a threat to public well-being. And that's just silly.

Not to mention horrifying.

It may surprise you to know that some of us fear censorship more than a zombie invasion.

I'm just sayin'.

Hugs and Kisses,


(I should say - in all fairness - I have not read the story in question - and it may be that he has, in fact, written a story that is obviously about his attacking his classmates and teachers using a complex metaphor system a la Animal Farm - or by changing the name of "Mr. Smith, the English teacher" to "Mr. Smoth, the English teacher" - but that's not the feeling I got from the news story.)

Thanks to triviaqueen for sending this my way. I think.

Update: It occurs to me that it is probably not so much the zombies they are concerned with - but the inevitable part where the hero must make the horrible decision to start killing the infected - no doubt including the hero's best friend, relation, or love interest - in terrifically violent manners; and since the story takes place in a high school - I am guessing that the hero is a high school student - and the zombies other students and teachers. If this is the case, I can only hope the judge has seen Evil Dead, Night of the Living Dead, Shaun of the Dead, DeadAlive (really - any of your Dead movies) - and is familiar of this particular trope in the zombie ouevre. This may mean his story isn't terribly original - but it doesn't necessarily mean he's secretly plotting to play shoot-em-up with the school football team.

Why set his story in a high school? Because he's a high school student - and I've yet to have a writing teacher who didn't tell me to "write what you know."

I did have a writing professor once who liked to say writing would "let you get away with murder" - if you did it well. He wasn't suggesting the class go out and kill as a learning experience - but rather telling us that we could revenge ourselves on those who crossed us in real life by punishing them in stories. I wonder if he knows about this case?

I appreciate that the authorities must take every threat seriously - and after all , his own family did turn him in (I wonder if Pinkerton will give them a t-shirt for that) - and it is entirely possible they will find a stockpile of sawed-off shotguns and blunted shovels in his closet - and maybe we'll learn that he has a dissociative disorder where he sees "zombies" everywhere in everyday life - but somehow I doubt that will end up being the case. I am guessing this is a case of rampant over-reaction and hysteria.

I find this all terribly worrying.

Posted by Sarcasmo on Tuesday, March 01, 2005
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