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Friday Follies   


Posted by Sarcasmo on Thursday, September 29, 2005
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How Romantic, Mrs. Torrence   


When it comes to movies (and trailers) it's all in the editing. (I only wish I could see the other trailers from the competition.) - [BB]

Posted by Sarcasmo on Wednesday, September 28, 2005
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Monday Morning Madness   


Happy Banned Books Week. Do yourself and read some challenged / banned books this week and exercise your right to make your mind up for yourself.


Posted by Sarcasmo on Sunday, September 25, 2005
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Friday Follies   


Posted by Sarcasmo on Thursday, September 22, 2005
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The Good; The Bad; The "Good God, It's Only Thursday?"   


Posted by Sarcasmo on Thursday, September 22, 2005
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Monday Morning Madness - Pirate Stylee   


Good mornin`, me buckos! As ye may know, today be International Talk Like a Pirate Day. So, gather yer rum, raise t` misenmast (nay in a dirty way), prepare t` confuse yer co-workers wi' yer witty shipmate banter. Or - ye know - jus' enjoy these piraty links.

Expect any in person or email interaction from me today to be pirate-tized. At least until the novelty wears off. Or I forget. (It's the rum, you know - it makes concentrating complicated.)



And, of course, some links for ye landlubbers.

Posted by Sarcasmo on Sunday, September 18, 2005
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Friday Folllies   




Posted by Sarcasmo on Thursday, September 15, 2005
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Brain Break   


I wish there were a way to send my brain on vacation.


I'm not talking about giving it a temporary break by watching an Adam Sandler movie of indulging in a guilty afternoon of reading fluffy chick-lit. I mean a real, honest-to-goodness vacation. One where it could go away somewhere - free from the pesky minutae of that makes up my central nervous system - and just relax. Unwind it's splindly tentacles. See the sights. Reflect. Maybe get a massage. Perhaps the four lobes could separate and play a few games of mixed doubles.


If I could borrow an interim brain1 for a few days to fullfill basic communication and life-support functions - I'd totally do it. I've got all these projects for it to do3 but my brain cycles are so busy dealing with my other shennaningans that I just can't find my focus. (Even my dreams are making me tired.) I'm pretty certain that if I could just give my brain a proper break - it'd be capable of all kinds of brillance.


Or, at the very least, some proper grammar and spelling.


 


1 I'm trying to figure out the business model for a company that would hire out interim brains for just such a usage. They're best bet would probably be to partner with a Brain Vacation Travel agency - work it as a package deal - but the trouble comes in where they would get thier supply. Donations? Estate sales? I mean, one would have to be careful. Whereas I certainly wouldn't want to borrow a brain much smarter than my own (people would begin exepecting more from me) - I certainly don't want one so primative that I couldn't perform necessary daily functions.


Probably best of they don't hire anyone named Igor, either.


Perhaps one way to manage the supply problem - and to offer discounted rates to more budget-concious patrons - Rent-A-Brain could arrange for brain swaps - where several potential vacationers would place their brains in a common pool - and each would be randomly assigned a brain from that pool - thereby allowing their brains to vacation in someone else's life. Not quite the total relaxation the Total Out Of Body Experience Package - but still - a change of scenery can often do wonders in the realm of revitalization.2



2 Yeah, I know that doesn't make much sense. I *told* you my brain needed a vacation.


3 My fingers have been itching to pound out some fiction, I've got some recent experiences I've been wanting to capture, and then there is, of course, my eternal quest for world domination.


Posted by Sarcasmo on Thursday, September 15, 2005
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Following the Standardly Accepted Rate of Devolution   


the members of Devo would be, oh, about the age of your average fifth grader.



Man, none of my gradeschool teachers would have ever let me play with a whip. - [Bb]

Posted by Sarcasmo on Thursday, September 15, 2005
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Monday Morning Madness   


I have determined that there simply aren't enough hours in a weekend. Who do I need to speak to in order to have them permanently extended to five days?


Apologies to the several of you to whom I owe proper emails. I've a hectic weekend, which mostly involved playing make-pretend (pretend actress, pretend protestor, pretend with-the-band chick, pretend journalist, and real-life aunt pretending not to be hungover) so I'm a bit behind on correspondence. Tonight I get to play dead for a few hours (gore and all) - then I'm back to my usual practice of pretending to be a grown-up.


Until then, on with the usual Monday nonsense:

Posted by Sarcasmo on Sunday, September 11, 2005
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Friday Follies   


Posted by Sarcasmo on Thursday, September 08, 2005
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Infamy's The Life For Me!   


I've never worried about being famous. Paparazzi, personal trainers, perfume lines, who needs the hassle? I always felt that relative anonymity was the life for me. But as I lay in bed re-reading the last chapters of Nana I made a startling discovery. I may not want to be famous - but I sure as heck want to be infamous. Infamous people are interesting ....interesting people are fascinating...and above all, infamous people are talked about and remembered. 1 Society has a grudging, guilty respect for people who defy the system and give-in to their baser instincts. If we knew these people in everyday life we'd judge and scorn them with upturned noses and black looks - but through distance and time, they become purified. We romanticize and revere them, and refer to them using the lurid and playful monikers delivered unto them by the press and their admirers. It's as though the fact that someone has come before us and got away with doing what they wanted let's us believe that we could too, if we really wanted to.



Not that we would, of course. But we could.


This could be my true calling - to give into all my lizard brain desires - fully justified, in order to sustain the hopes and dreams of the do-gooders of humanity. (See what I'm willing to do for you people? I'm practically a saint.) However - unlike Nana, I'm not about to embark on a self-destructive descent into licentiousness that will expose the seedy, amoral underbelly of the upper classes and turn fashionable Paris society on its ear. Nor - like Countess Bathory, do I intend to start kidnapping and bleeding young girls. Nor shall I become a bootlegger, appoint my horse to a government position, or convince a troubled mother/Tsarina that I'm a healer.2 Why? Because all these things take work and if I'm going to expend all that of energy - I might as well just be famous. Or a do-gooder3. Or just your everyday n'er do well.


Generally speaking, infamy is won through scandal, mayhem, bloodshed, passion, illicit actions and illegal substances. And whereas any combination of those things might be a fun way to spend the occasional evening, I can't see dedicating myself to the pursuit of any of them full-time. My interest in things is directly proportionate to my energy levels...or to put it another way...I'm lazy. What I need to do is find the quickest, lowest-impact way to infamy - the kind that will allow me countless hours of free time in which to surf the web, perform general slacking duties, and re-read Nana (and countless other books) to my heart's content4 while still building my bad reputation. After all, being infamous isn't about what you've done - it's about what people believe you have done. It's all about the great Propaganda Machine (everyone ought to have one). Here's are the methods for instant infamy I've come up with so far:



  1. Introducing myself to new social and business acquaintances thusly, "Hi. I'm Sarcasmo. It's nice to meet you. Look, you're not an undercover cop are you? Because if you are an undercover cop - you know you have to tell me. It's the law. Ha ha. No. Seriously. Are you? "5 Then insist on calling them "Officer" no matter what their answer.

  2. Wait for the next time the Tall Ships are on the Delaware, and then staging an elaborate, Hollywood-grade pirate attack with musical soundtrack and fully accurate historical regalia (Yo ho, me hearties, I think I know just the crew to do it too). Chances are good we'd be able to take a ship or two pretty easily as most people would assume it was part of the show - and then it would just be a matter of staging the subsequent ship sinkings through cannon fire while the crew secretly swims off to safety - presumed lost to Davy Jones' locker one and all. This would mean the entire pirate crew would need to assume new names and lives after the event in order to maintain the illusion that we've gone down with the ship and that could get a bit tricky. OR, Plan B: we take the ship and simply sail away to Jamaica, and spend the rest of our days drinking rum on the beach and singing pirate shanties. Come to think of it - Plan B is a much better option.6 Let's go with that.

  3. Become so obsessed with a composer that I squander the funds of my people building whimsical castles in honor of his operas.Damn. It's already been done.

  4. Develop the ability to predict a radically frightening and delightfully amusing future. (Make sure all visions refer to events which would occur well after I've died).

  5. Call tabloids and proper newspapers to vehemently deny any romantic entanglement with the movie star/political leader/b-list celebrity of the day. I shall cry, scream, and threaten to file a libel suit. When they claim they didn't publish any such story - I will feign embarrassment, claim I must have read it in their biggest competitor's paper, then conspiratorially suggest my surprise that they were scooped by a lesser rag. I expect it'll take exactly 48 hours for me, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to end up in a suggestively doctored photo on the front page.7



Hm. I was going to try and take this list to 10 items - but already my interest in this list has exceeded my energy to complete it. However, I am open to suggestions. And in the meantime, please feel free to spread salacious and scandalous rumours about my nefarious activities. After all, one can't begin ruining one's good name soon enough.





 


1 Want proof? Dr. Charles Drew discovered that blood could be separated and stored and worked to save lives, whereas Countess Elizabeth Bathory is said to have bathed in the blood of young girls in order to keep herself young and beautiful. Guess which one inspired a movie coming soon to a theater near you? Prefer something a little more recent? Twenty years from now - who do you think our children's children will have heard of - house boy Kato Kalin - or athletic inspiration Lance Armstrong. (All bets are off on this comparison, of course, if it turns out Armstrong used steroids after all).

2 Nor will I arbitrarily declare myself leader of this country. This, however, is less to do with my crushing laziness and more to do with the fact that when I declare my self leader it will be of the world (or possibly the Universe). I'm an all-or-none kinda gal when it comes to planetary domination.

3 And do-gooders never end up with the cool underground lairs. Well, except for Batman. His digs are kickin.'

4 I don't know what it is about that book. I feel compelled to read it once every two years or so.

5 Yes, I *know* it's not true. But they don't have to know I know.

6 I'm not really so much of a beach person - but if it'll earn me my pirate scars and props - I think I can learn.

7 I could, of course, simply seduce and toy with the world's most famous, powerful and well-connected men - leaving a trail of broken hearts and shattered lives in my frivolous wake. But if Nana has taught me anything, it's that one should never attempt to juggle more than one or two wealthy paramours on one's own - and that to do it properly requires the assistance of one upwardly mobile, business savvy servant willing to ride out the bad times. This, again, comes under the category of Too Much Bother. I think I'll stick to calling the tabloids as part of my quest for infamy - and leave abusing the love of the mighty as an amusing pastime.

Posted by Sarcasmo on Wednesday, September 07, 2005
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Halloween Hijinks   


me with mask This is a picture of me posing on 2nd street after a pleasant run-in with some local Philly Fringe folks. (Actually, according to their website, they didn't get their Fringe application in ontime, so I suppose they're really on the fringe of Fringe.) Whereas I always enjoy a chance to get costumed and silly in public - whilst I was sitting there with the mask on, waiting for 30-year old Polaroid film to develop, a dread chill filled my heart. Here it is already September and I have no idea what I'm going to be for Halloween this year. Immediately following the photo, Peccable and I tried to make an emergency run to Pierre's for ideas - but they were closed for the holiday. (*Shakes fist at the sky in impotent frustration*).


I'm in a further panic because (mostly do to my lack of costumery) I wasn't planning on attending Dracula's (Halloween) Ball this year - but I see Voltaire's only Philadelphia date is there...and I was hoping to see him. Curses. What to do, what to do? I realize vampires often rely on castoff couture from ages past - but somehow I think showing up in last year's gown just isn't going to cut it.


On the plus side, I just volunteered to help haunt a local ship over Halloween weekend. I'm hoping to be cast as a dastardly pirate. However, as I have an unfortunately kind face, it'd be just my luck to be stuck as a friendly guide. Yarr!


Non-Halloween related note - Blankbaby points out that Peter Weller is currently a PhD candidate in the field of Roman and Renaissance art. Now, I understand that actors are people and need to be regarded separately from the roles they play, but I have to tell you, it's really freaking me out that Robocop is teaching Homer. Not only can't I imagine ever coming late or skipping homework for Robocop's class. However, I can picture him stopping his lecture, turning to his class and saying, ""Excuse me, I have to go. Somewhere there is a cinematic crime happening." and then showing up on the set of Troy to take Wolfgang Petersen to task. (Just once, I wish stuff would happen in real life the way it happens in my head.)

Posted by Sarcasmo on Tuesday, September 06, 2005
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Monday Morning Madness   


Posted by Sarcasmo on Sunday, September 04, 2005
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Friday Follies (lists and lists and lists)   


A few random thoughts:


  1. Sarcasmom has been taunting me. First she emailed me to let me know that there is a movie theater offering ticket discounts to self-proclaiming geeks....but of course it's all the way in Japan. THEN she emailed to let me know that Wes Craven had been picnicking near my apartment...but of course not until after it happened. (Although, to be fair, it's not like I was going to go all fan girl and run over to the park with my Nightmare on Elm Street boxset and Freddy Krueger action figure and demand an autograph. But still.) However , she has recently written a post wherein she is locked in an epic battle with an arachnid which made me laugh so all is forgiven.

  2. I recently watched Versus (zombies vs. Samurai vs. Yakuza vs. vampires = awesome) and I was wondering - how do people fight in those 3/4 lenght trench coats (and for that matter, how did Samurai fight in those large sleeves robes)? I mean sure - they look great and do that cool cape thing when you grab the hem and flick it - but the sleeves on my bathrobe are quite loose - and I get them caught on doonknobs all the time. If I tried to use a sword while wearing it - it'd be pratfall city.

  3. Staying up late at a cabaret is awesome. Getting up for work the next morning is considerably less awesome.

  4. Speaking of cabarets - you may notice that I'm a little lighter than normal on linkage today. That's because instead of chaining myself to the Internets, I went out to a cabaret previewing several Philly Fringe acts (hey - my life isn't all about entertaining you, you know). I had a great time, and laughed so much I'm still in a pain. Highlights included:



Alright - enough rambling. Coffee's starting to kick in, and I suppose that means I should get ready for work. Linkage follows:

Posted by Sarcasmo on Friday, September 02, 2005
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