Friday Follies   


Posted by Sarcasmo on Friday, December 30, 2005
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Tag I'm It   


Tagged for Fours by Luna

Four Jobs you've had in your life:

Movie Concession/Box Office Employee

Bookseller

Apartment Rental Agent

Technical Writer




Four movies you could watch over and over:

Auntie Mame

Philadelphia Story

Shaun of the Dead

Desk Set




Four places you've lived:

Philadelphia

Pittsburgh

Well - that's it, actuallty. Perhaps I need to move about a bit.



Four TV shows you love to watch:

Gilmore Girls

The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy

House

Battlestar Galactica




Four places you've been on vacation:

Brugge, Belgium

New Orleans

Hanoi, Japan

Las Vegas




Four websites you visit daily:

Well, I really just visit Bloglines...but I sure do read lots of blogs from there.




Four of your favorite foods:

Nachos

Buffalo Wings

Chocolate cake with white icing

Roast beef with gravy




Four places you'd rather be:

London

Out Dancing

India

Egypt




If you've read this far, you must be bored; in which case you should consider yourself tagged.

Posted by Sarcasmo on Thursday, December 29, 2005
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Practically the Blogger Version of a TV Clips Show (Hey - Bloggers Need Vacations Too!)   



33 is my favorite number. It seems silly to me to have a favorite number - useless even - more useless, perhaps, than having a favorite color or a favorite member of a boy band, because you probably won't wear or surround yourself with your favorite number, and it's unlikely that a shared interest in said number will help you bond with strangers1. Sillier still is how it came about that I favored 33 above all other numbers - the choice of which is truly infinite. Somewhere in those halcyon days when I was a young Sarcasmo - my cynicism still in its infant stages - I recognized that I had a fondness for the number 3. Perhaps it was that, like the Fates, my sisters and I totalled three, or maybe I had been brainwashed by that Schoolhouse Rock song...or mayhaps I have an old soul with whom the mystical associations with the number three still resonated. When it comes down to it, though, I just think 3 is the number I enjoyed writing best. There's something to the near roundness out it - not as opulent as 0 - nor as infinite as 8 was my 3.


Why then 33? Well, at some point it occurred to me that if 3 was a delight - 33 would be a dream. And if you're now thinking "Why not 333333? Or 33333333? Or even 333 - that's 3 3's? Surely that would be the ideal," I must admit that I considered the same thing. However - 333 seemed to be somehow too much (how can one hope to explain the sad follies of one's youth?)- so 33 it was and 33 it has remained.


Why bring this up now? Well, as you are no doubt aware, 2005 is about to give way to 2006 - and despite the fact that I recognize no real cosmic significance in the the moving from one calendar year to another (concepts like "days" and "months" and "years" being man-made units of measurements) - I still fall victim to that strange self-reflection compulsion that seems to spread like a virus this time of year - causing the flu-like symptoms of ennui, malaise, and general discouragement with one's being and the way we live our lives. Hence the annual Resolution Revolution in which I rarely, if ever, take part.


It occurred to me, as I mulled things over that (hopefully among many other wonderful things) I will be marking my 33rd birthday in 2006. Not only is that a birthday I'm looking forward to aesthetically (see: favorite number, above) - but it was once explained to me at a friend's birthday gathering that one's 33rd birthday is of Supreme Cosmic Importance - and that it marks a turning point in everyone's life for better or for worse2. I - obviously - am hoping for better.


Further, I realized that if the 33rd anniversary of my birth is in June of 2006, I actually began my 33rd year in June of 2005 - and as such this all important year is already half over. And it seems to me if you're going to place weighty emotional and self-judgemental importance on an arbitrary collection of man-made measurements - you might as well choose one that is of individual significance to you3. So - this December I shall really be celebrating my 33rd half-year (my new year not staring until June 10th, 2006). Still, it seems worth looking back on my year so far - to see what changes this 33rd year hath wrought:



  • June : Began my 33rd year by singing loudly, lustily and way off key, moved to new digs; saw Skeletor perform cabaret and met Pretend Hollywood boyfriend Bruce Campbell in the flesh without having a massive fangirl breakdown; began my affiliation with Phillyist, thereby allowing me to realize my desires to spout my uninformed opinions to a larger audience. Truly an auspicious beginning to my new year.

  • July: Got to meet my nephew in the flesh; scored some free concert action sans insane crowds by going to the Live 8 soundcheck; did some film reviews for Phillyist (the highlight of which was going to a movie screening to find a seat in the reviewers' section reserved with my name on it - it's sometimes unbelievable how easily I am delighted).
  • August: Swam with sharks and stingrays - voluntarily; (Whose bad? That would be me...and some of my brave and lovely friends); began my weekly Frugal in Philly column for Phillyist (thereby ensuring my weekends would be spent seeking out inexpensive events rather than going to them); got a new tattoo; and did I mention Shark Swimming - because I totally got into a tank with about 7 other humans and 50 some sharks and - perhaps more impressively - entirely survived my first encounter with a wetsuit.

  • September: "Acted" as an extra in two locally produced film productions - one shoot required me to stand on Market Street holding a large, neon yellow sign which said "Pervert" above my head 4 and the second got me one step closer to my long-held desire to be a Hollywood scream queen5 in so much as I got to play a corpse (some photos of me in makeup here - but I've been told they are not for the squeamish). I was waiting to blog about the experience once these films were in the can - but who knows when that will be6 - so now I will say only this: I discovered that the scariest thing about making a horror movie is not wandering around a neighborhood you don't know in the dark with what amounts to a group full of strangers...but rather the 3 hours you will spend between going through makeup and the sun going down7 in which one is inexplicably forced to watch several episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond.. Additionally - fake blood (being made of mostly sugar) tastes very good - but is less pleasant when it is congealed in your nose; besides which, after several hours and combined with many layers of dried liquid latex, it become very, very itchy. I am also sad to report that despite my original intentions, I washed the makeup off prior to journeying home. (It's not that I worried about scaring folks on the street - it was just too uncomfortable to bear. And there's something infinitely satisfying in pulling your own fake skin off in huge chunks).

  • October: Attempt to lead a double life as "Sarcasmo - Rock Goddess" by attending some 1 zillion local concerts, and staying up to review some 90% of those shows after stumbling home, ears throbbing, after 2AM - while still managing to blog daily for Shiny Shiny and do that pesky Real Life Job; a period of this year I found simultaneously exhilarating and exhausting. And at one of the shows I attended but did not review, I told one of my Pretend Rockstar Boyfriends (whom I share with Vis Major - 'cause we're friends like that) that he and another musicians with whom he is starting a band and who is also Our Pretend Rockstar Boyfriend that they were, in fact, our Pretend Rockstar Boyfriends. And instead of having me arrested, he told me I should write a book or short story with that title. (This is probably largely due to Vis Major's assertion that I was a "writer" - which I thought was nice of her, because he was no doubt thinking "stalker.") Also - glorious, glorious Hallowe'en - wherein I not only celebrated with friends, but also got to mark by spending several days playing a Ghost Pirate on Philadelphia's Tall Ship. You may recall that I threatened to take over said Tall Ship dressed as a pirate in a post I made in September - but I assure you my tearing that fellow apart on the rack was entirely sanctioned. The whole experience not only made the pirate lover and Hallowe'en fanatic in me very happy - but it gave me a real appreciation for the ship as well. And I intend to learn to sail her.

  • November: Exhausted from my ramblings in October, I was determined to make it a quiet November - choosing to focus my energies on writing 50,000 words towards a top secret writing project as part of the Nanowrimo challenge. Needless to say I failed; instead spending my time helping to celebrate various birthdays, enjoying Thanksgiving, and spending a weekend in Vegas with Sarcasmo Jr - where I got to romp with male er...adult entertainers and pilot the USS Enterprise. Also, got a wee bit of a promotion at the Real Life Job...which means I was successful in hiding that whole Rock and Roll Double Life thing I had going on in October.

  • December: Got to watch my nephew celebrate both his first birthday and his first Christmas in Philadelphia. Backburnered Top Secret Writing Project to work on new Top Secret Writing Project (which will keep me busy through January). Also - aligned myself with new Not So Secret In Fact You'll No Doubt Be Hearing About it Soonish Writing Project, because I clearly don't have enough to do. Did that Christmas joy and happiness thing - and oh so briefly had my face plastered on a billboard in Times Square NYC.

  • January: Is, of course, still to come - but I've already got tickets in hand for a week in London - a trip I've been waiting my whole life to take.8

  • 9

Mind you, just because I've chosen to mark my New Year based on the time most centric to me doesn't mean I won't ring in 2006 with friends10 and spend Sunday night eating some variation of pork and sauerkraut and hoping for the arrival of a tall, dark stranger at my door11. After all - no reason to tempt those Fates; I'd like the 2nd half of 33 to be as good, if not better, than the first.



1 Unless those strangers happen to be, say, numerologists.

2 This was explained to me by someone who is very interested in That Sort of Thing - and although I don't really understand their argument (as all - does the Universe take into consideration the numerous changes in calendars over the past several centuries), but I seem to recall the main thrust having to due with the fact that Jesus died when he was 33 years of age. I find this to be a troubling argument - for although many people feel as though the trials and tribulations that Jesus faced in his 33rd years were for the good of the world, I'm willing to bet they're not on his Top Ten List of Most Enjoyable Experiences Ever. And if the Devil starts telling me to jump, I'll have considerably more to worry about than whether angels will come and save me.

3 Particularly one on which you get presents.

4 Indeed, there were a variety of less provocative signs available - and only one bright yellow "Pervert" placard. But really, how often does one get to wave a "Pervert" sign over their head on a major thoroughfare? Not often enough I say - so I snatched that puppy before anyone else had the chance to.

5 Please see item 92.

6 Or whether my no doubt...er...stellar performances wil end up on the DV equivalent of the cutting room floor.

7 Because you can't shoot a horror picture in the daytime, silly.

8 Well, ok, not my whole life. I'm pretty sure that through the "Feed me, change me, adore me and let me sleep phase" I wasn't crying because I wanted my Mom and Dad to put me down so I could run off to London. But pretty much I got that potty training thing down, getting to London has superceded "Change Me" in my Lizard Brain's most basic of desires.

9 Now that I've taken this stroll down memory lane - a few things have become clear to me - (1) As much as an egocentric time suck blogging is, I'm grateful for it, because it helps me remind me of my adventures. (2) It is unclear to me how I am almost constantly convinced that I am bored and don't do anything (3) It is now crystal clear to me why I am perpetually tired.

10 I'm not a big believer in traditions, except that I adore their most social aspects. And my friends rock, so any excuse to gather with them in an excellent one.

11 I'd have sworn my family tradition is to wish for a blonde stranger - but my Google-Fu tells me that blond strangers are, in fact, bad luck. Which suits me fine - I prefer my strangers tall and dark anyway.



Posted by Sarcasmo on Tuesday, December 27, 2005
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Happy Holidays   


In honor of the many, many holidays of the season, I'm taking time off from link-looking and spending time with my family and friends instead. In the meantime, here's a link to a Christmas version of those Grow games. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday no matter which (or what combination of which) you observe; and if you don't observe any, may you have a lovely weekend.

Posted by Sarcasmo on Thursday, December 22, 2005
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Monday Morning Madness   


Posted by Sarcasmo on Sunday, December 18, 2005
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Friday Follies: Morbid Curiousities Edition   


It's mid-December - and despite the mini-tree glowing on my dining table, the pile of gifts waiting to be wrapped and the snow that's coating the streets - I've had a difficult time getting into the holiday spirit. I hit major "Bah Humbug" status last weekend when I chanced to catch a film version A Christmas Carol that was so sacchirine I found myself wanting to throttle the ever so earnest actress playing Fan1. As I snapped off the television in a fit of yuletime disgust, I realized I hadn't read A Christmas Carol since I was a kid....a fact that suddenly seemed unforgivable, as I am a Dickens fan. So I picked up a paperback copy, sat down, and read. And with those first familiar words "Marley was dead, to begin with," I found the cockles of my heart warmed with the holiday spirit. Two things then occured to me: first, that it's a shame that the works of Dickens are repeatedly performed rather than simply read aloud, because in doing so we lose the wonderfully personable, insighful and often witty voice of the narrator. [Update: Looks like Penguin Books is podcasting a reading of A Christmas Carol in five parts. Awesome!] The second: that it's pretty ghoulish of me to find the joy of the holidays in the affirmation of a fictional character's demise.

And in honor of this mistletoe-laden morbidity, I'm doing all creepy-crawlie links today. Happy holidays, y'all.




1 To be fair, I really only like 3 versions of A Christmas Carol: the Allistair Sim version, Scrooged and...in a pinch...The Muppet Christmas Carol.

Posted by Sarcasmo on Thursday, December 15, 2005
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Dammit   


I dropped my MP3 player yesterday, and it seems I have broken it good and truly forever.



On the plus side, I now have the excuse to replace it with something sexier and sleeker. Although it'll have to wait until after my vacation...so I'll actually have to face the real world without my tune-age for a little while. *Sigh*.

Posted by Sarcasmo on Tuesday, December 13, 2005
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Attack of the 50 Foot Woman...On Times Square   


Me as Person of the YearWell, I couldn't decide which photo to go with, so I submitted both. And Time Magazine chose this one.


Clearly I no longer need to pursue fame; my mug has been featured on a billboard in Times Square. It's only downhill from here...and frankly I don't want to be reduced to hosting my own daytime talkshow.



So I'm putting fame and fortune aside, and just pursuing the whole "Complete and Utter World Domination" thing from now on.

Posted by Sarcasmo on Monday, December 12, 2005
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It's Bad Enough That Hollywood Keeps Dredging TV Plots Instead of Making New Films   


...but if this 80s TV show-to-movie leap has the fatal side-effect of bringing back the carefully cultivated 5 o'clock shadow, loafers without socks and (*shudder*) pastel suits, I shall be a very unhappy Sarcasmo indeed.

Posted by Sarcasmo on Monday, December 12, 2005
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Monday Morning Madness   


Posted by Sarcasmo on Monday, December 12, 2005
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Friday Follies   


Posted by Sarcasmo on Friday, December 09, 2005
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Where Have All The Flowers Gone? Long Time Passing? No! Updated for the Youth of Today.   


I've just read on Neil Gaiman's journal that Disney will be replacing Christopher Robin , since apparently a tomboyish-girl is more appealing to today's youth than a slightly loney, imaginative boy with a fertile imagination. Never mind the fact the stories from the Hundred Acre Woods have been charming children and adults alike for decades. It's time to shake things up. Modernize.


I can't say I'm entirely surprised. I knew when they updated the Looney Toons characters that all our collective childhoods held dear was, at long last, going to be taken to task by demographic-driven marketing gurus.


As a service to you, my dear readers, I have compiled the following list of likely updates to other childhood classics, so that you may better prepare yourself for the inevitable changes to come:



  1. Oliver Twist: Young, dirty orphans are an utter drag. Expect the young Oliver to eat porridge that has been exposed to toxic waste, thereby giving him the super powers necessary to clobber Fagin & Bill Sikes once and for all. Nancy is transformed into Oliver's loveable, but dimwitted Nanny who can never understand why Oliver is missing when crimes happen around their London flat. (The loveable, rambunctious Artful Dodger will require very little sprucing up, of course. Except that from now on he'll be a robot; in fact, a girl robot, on whom young Oliver has an unrequited crush.)

  2. The Cat in the Hat: In the modern retelling, the Cat in the Hat indeed comes back...but with a vengence! Wearing a full-body mech suit and accompanied by his Thug 2 and Thug 1, the Cat comes back to go head-to-head with the bon mot spouting goldfish. Invariable, the goldfish will triumph over the Cat (as Order must triumph over Chaos) - but that pesky Cat always escapes in the end, shaking his fist in the air, and promising to get his "Wacky Revenge." Fish taunts his foe by brandishing a shiny, hi-tech three-handled family gredunza whenver he's in public.

  3. Fox in Socks: Replaced by Cods with iPods - which is shortened, for marketing purposes, to iCod. (Mrs. Paul's makes a killing in character-related food tie-ins).

  4. Pippi Longstocking: Since it is unseemly for a child to live without adult supervision, Pippi's old house is replaced by a big-city highrise, her horse by a butler (who is also a wizard) and her monkey by an alien that looks like a monkey. Pippi's trademark pigtails are reduced to a bright red faux-hawk, and wacky adventures ensue when she goes to art school makes a career of publically deriding and humilating Ann Coulter as "performance art".

  5. Harold and the Purple Crayon: Replace "Harold" with "rag-tag bunch of x-treme sports enthusiasts" and "crayon" with "attention deficiet disorder" - and get treated to a story in which want-to-be active youths are reduced to sitting at home and creating mods for their favorite sports games rather than going out and playing them. Sure to please couch potatos of all ages.

  6. The Red Balloon: Pascal's ballon (now CGI) is actually a sentient lifeform, sent to Pascal so he can fullfill his destiny to save mankind from bullies, bad government, and evil circus clowns. In deference to the charming original film, Pascal shall have no dialouge. However, the balloon will talk...all the time...and in a comically exaggerated French accent, even though the story will now be set in New York City. And instead of flying around like a normal balloon, it will be outfitted with its own stainless steel hovercraft.

  7. Alice in Wonderland/Through the Looking Glass: It's all virtual reality, baby.

  8. Little Women: Jo and her sisters are star players on their small town's socceer team. In the end, they must face off against the opposing, corporately sponsored team, the Little Men, to raise money for Beth's operation. When they fail to win, Jo's Boys form metal/rap fusion band and win the money in a music video contest sponsored by MTV.

  9. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: Slugworth is a demon...and Wonka is a bumbling adult too caught up in his business books to notice the Oompa Loompas may be too. Can Charlie (chocolate factory delivery person by day/ secret young gadget-weilding sidekick of a local superhero by night) help save Wonka, the Chocolate Factory and the city, ask the prettiest girl in school to the dance and turn his homework in on time?

  10. How the Grinch Stole Christmas: I'll tell you how. WITH LASERS. Poor Whoville never had a chance.
    (Years later, sole survivor Cindy Lou Who (a vegetarian, having lost her taste for Roast Beast that fatal Christmas) will come back mad as hell and clad in a skin-tight pleather catsuit and with vampiric powers to avenge her town in a made-for-tv movie everyone will know is a bad idea, but will watch anyway. In this version, the Grinch will be played by Boris Karloff, thanks to modern technology.)


Did I miss anything?





(Me? Bitter? No. Why do you ask? Grumble grumble grumble grrr...)

Posted by Sarcasmo on Thursday, December 08, 2005
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12! Err.. 14!   


Because I know you spend all your time waiting for me to write about me (me! me!) - I've stolen both the Random Five (from Luna) and the List of 7s (from the fantabulous Aerenchyma) to create this time wasting list of things about myself in which you probably have no interest.1



Five Random Things About Me

  1. Despite my tom-boyish ways and my inherent distrust of anything (a) super feminine or (b) in any way restrictive - I've always had a fascination with corsets (I blame an unhealthy diet of 19th Century Victorian fiction and Hammer Horror Films). This weekend I had an opportunity to try on my first corset at a local corsetiere establishment. And as such, I have learned a few things about myself. First of all, I think I could give up breathing if it meant have that figure (and that clevage!). Secondly - one never knows just how bad their posture is until they put on a corset. I don't think my spine has ever stood so straight. There are definitely some vintage-style undergarments in my future. (Now, if I can just find a gauzy white nightshirt, a sleepy village, a handsome young man and a nefariously sexy vampire to go with them, my wardrobe will be all set.)

  2. I'm a fairly social creature - and as such, I often found myself prowling about in large packs of other social creatures. Over the past several days, I've had the opportunity to spend some quality one-on-one time with a few people, and it made for a very enjoyable change. Personal conversation is one of those arts that shouldn't be lost or given away.

  3. Last night I walked around in the falling snow - which made me happy to the point of giddiness. Unfortunately, it also made my feet wet and cold. Fortunately - cold and wet feet are the perfect excuse to make hot chocolate and have a bubble bath - so it was all good.

  4. There has been no greater boon to my kitchen (and home cooking) than Trader Joe's simmer sauces.

  5. If one could acquire accredidation as a procrastinator, I think Harvard and Princeton would both give me honorary PhDs. I'm that good at it.

  6. Ok, ok, this is one more than prescribed, but I just thought of something else. I have finally gotten a reading chair for my apartment - which means if I spend all day reading, I will feel productive rather than lazy (as before all my reading was done in bed.) The chair is deep - and - most importantly, has turned arms - because I will invariably sit in it sideways, with my legs slung over one arm.

  7. Yes - an extra, extra - but only because I just found out I have using the word "proscribed" incorrectly all this time (in fact, I almost just misused it in the previous line item). Apparently it means "forbidden." Who knew? (Yeah, yeah, I bet you did.)



Sevens



7 celebrity crushes:


  1. Johnny Depp

  2. Eddie Izzard

  3. Ben Franklin

  4. William Powell

  5. Christian Bale

  6. Humphrey Bogart

  7. Batman


7 things I'm good at:

  1. Goofing off

  2. writing

  3. figuring out the end of movies ahead of time (usually in the first 10 minutes. I do try to keep it to myself though. Honest)

  4. laughing at myself

  5. being self-effacing

  6. starting projects I won't finish

  7. holding a grudge (I don't do it much, but when I do, I'm pretty tenacious)


7 things I plan to do before I die:


  1. Travel to London (soon!), India, Egypt, Eastern Europe and ...well, just about everywhere I can.

  2. Publish a book.

  3. Learn another language.

  4. Take ballroom dancing clasess.

  5. Get back into fencing classes

  6. Amass an enormous library.

  7. Collect interesting stories.



7 things I cannot do:



  1. Spell bananna banana correctly on the first try.

  2. Go to the gym. It's just not happening.

  3. Join the Masons. (they won't let me)

  4. Make hospital corners on my bed.

  5. Treat any situation strictly with the requisite amount of solmenity. (Usually, the more serious a situation, the more uncomfortable it makes, so the more likely I am to find humor and distraction. I've burst into giggles in both Churches and funeral homes. That's just the kind of person I am.)

  6. Keep my big trap shut, even when its for my own good.

  7. Make smart romantic choices.


7 things that attract me to the sex to whom I am attracted:

  1. Smarts (and lots of them)

  2. Broad shoulders

  3. Open smile

  4. Sense of humor

  5. Strong arms

  6. Adventurous spirit

  7. Great laugh



7 things I say often:
  1. Awesome!

  2. Shut. Up.

  3. Settle down!

  4. Hey, now. That's not nice.

  5. Cage Match! (Alternately, "Joust!")

  6. Word.

  7. Damn.


Damn.

Both of these are tagging-style memes - so if you're inclined, I say go for it.


1 You might want to pay close attention, however, as all good citizen may be required to recite any of these lines items on command once I rule the world.

Posted by Sarcasmo on Tuesday, December 06, 2005
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Monday Morning Madness   


Posted by Sarcasmo on Monday, December 05, 2005
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Friday Follies   


Posted by Sarcasmo on Friday, December 02, 2005
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At Least as Accurate as The Magic 8-Ball   


Well, another November gone - another NaNoWriMo incomplete. (Although big time kudos to Grant, boutell, and everyone else who stuck it out like champs and defeated the evil, hideous whitespace.) I don't consider the attempt a failure however; it has gotten me writing more regularly, which was my ultimate goal. Also, I learned a valuable lesson. If I want to get any real writing done, I've got to go back to longhand. This has the major disadvantages of near illegibility and not-being able to edit/get word counts very easily. However - it has the major advantages of lacking the distractions of InterWeb and Spider Solitaire.



So, in lieu of a writer's victory lap, I'm doing this here MP3 fortune-telling meme I've been seeing around while I was supposed to be writing. Here's how it goes: shuffle your mp3 playlist and take the song titles in the order they play as answers to the following questions. I totally didn't cheat at this, although I clearly should have, since my future is not so bright. (I think iTunes just has it in for me since I haven't yet caved and gotten an iPod).


What do you think of me, iTunes?

"Divertimento II (La Sézile)" - Tokyo Metropolitan Symphony Orchestra.

Apparently - "Divermento" means "Amusing"...so iTunes finds me funny. Like a clown.


Will I have a happy life?

"Polkas on 45" - Weird Al Yankovic.

I can't tell..is that a good answer, or just an irritating one?


What do my friends really think of me?

"Take the Time" - Deep Banana Blackout

Oh yeah. My friends know I'm funky. And a good source of potassium.


Do people secretly lust after me?

"Baby Got Back" - Sir Mix-a-Lot

iTunes says you can't deny, fellas.


How can I make myself happy?

"Demons of the Mind" - from the Hammer Film Collection Volume 2

Wait! This is instrumental. What is iTunes trying to tell me? Should I embrace the demons? Destroy them? Or take my couture advice from Christopher Lee?


What should I do with my life?

"Simon's Nightmare" - James Bernard (from Scars of Dracula)

Dear Simon (whomever you are): Terribly sorry that I shall have to haunt and torment you for the rest of your days. iTunes commands it.


Why must life be so full of pain?

"Baby Come Back" - Player

Sorry, iTunes. Any kind of fool could see there was something in everything about me. Everyone except you. Sucker.


How can I maximize my pleasure during sex?

"Matchbox" - The Beatles

Hmmm. Interesting.


Will I ever have children?

"Econfail1" from The Sims.

This is the "wa-wa-wa" sound of cartoonish misadventure. Which is about right, I think.


Will I die happy?

"V (The Tain)" - The Decemberists

That bodes...poorly. Seems my reward lies in the "sweet by-and-by." Dang.


Can you give me some advice?

"Keep Your Hands Off My Baby" - The Beatles

Damn, iTunes. First you want me back, now you think I'm trying to steal your gal. Moodswing much?


What do you think happiness is?

"Sport (The Odd Boy)" - Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band

Well, I'm not so much for sports... but odd boys do make me happy.


What’s my favourite fetish?

"How Come the Days Seem So Long?" - Starflower

I've always said I was a night person.



G'wan. You know you wanna do it.

Posted by Sarcasmo on Thursday, December 01, 2005
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